xmas2010

Christmas came and went without much commotion.  It was very hard and extremely sad on me but
I made it through.  We didnt bring a camera so this is the only picture we got.. from Leah's phone. 
Pops was in a pretty good mood.  Very happy and content.  He had a nice time eating some snacks and also opening some presents.  He had no clue it was Christmas except for the fact that we kept telling him. 
It was very sad to not have him at the family festivities.  It broke my heart.  No one else seemed to notice or care.

i miss my daddy

To: Katie From: Pops

On Sunday I was at my pt job at Tiffany & Co.
and an older gentleman came in to purchase a
giftcard.  I proceeded to ring it up for him and
gave him the envelope to fill in the, "to/from".
When I was done I went to put the card back
in the envelope and box it up.  I took the card
from him and my jaw dropped:
To:  Katie
From:  Pops
I said, "is Katie your daughter?
He said, "yes"
I told him that was my name and that I call
my dad "pops"!!
I didn't give him my sob story...
It was super cool though and he thought
it a strange cooincidence as well.
It made my day!!
I was a little choked up actually, seeing
those words....

i miss my daddy

Jeez.
Everytime I look at my last subject....
they're the same.
Anger.
And today is no different.
People have no clue.
I had a melt down today after
receiving an email about our family
Christmas "party"...
Really???
A party.
I think not.
It's Christmas for the love...
A reason to celebrate but I
surely wouldn't call it a party by any means.
Especially since we will be missing
the patriarch of our family this year.
No one has thought to mention that.
No one has thought to ask if we should go see him.
No one has thought to buy and bring him gifts.
No one has thought of anyone but themselves.
I called my poor mother and sobbed and sobbed
She understands also.
She feels bad for me.
She doesnt know what to do.
These are her children.
I feel bad for her.
She is 79 years old. 
She sure doesnt need this.
I just really needed a shoulder to cry on.
Feel like I still do...
Will try hard to hold it together.
But.........no guarantees.
It will be hard. 

i miss my daddy

Anger Management

argh.
i need anger management bad.
i'm trying so hard to not worry about
other people and what they are doing
but it is very hard for me.
to know that there are family members
right here in town that don't go see my dad
is so maddening.  to know that people
come into town and don't go see him
is absolutely frustrating.  I'm so ticked
it makes my stomach hurt and my head ache.
i really need to try to let it go. 
this is not how i want to live my life.
i want to do what i need to do for myself and
forget the rest.
i can feel my blood boil though when the
thought of spending christmas with
them goes though my mind.
all is fine and dandy when it's a party.
i would be so happy to have xmas eve
at my dads place.  but none of them would
want to do that.  they have to cook their food
and drink their booze.  all much more important
to them......i just dont get it.. i'm so freakin' pissed
off about it..
i need to let it go.. i try...i work on it.. it doesn't work...

i miss my daddy

Randomness

a list of random thoughts i'm having:

1) how can you not see your sick father and be ok with it?

2) i never imagined i'd use the word 'alzheimer's' in my daily vocab.

3) i don't think i could be more proud of my kids for being so incredibly awesome with Papa and this situation life has thrown at them.

4) by starting a new job i have realized the importance of continuing to learn and grow and also how important it is to use your brain and keep it working.

5) how can you know that a loved one is in a facility and not even ever visit him?

6) how can you miss someone so much, even though you can see him and be with him everyday?

7) how can one person have a world of guilt for not seeing pops for 4 days and other people can go months or even 1 year without seeing him.

The sign of the cross

Last night I sad with Pops during supper.
The food came and I said, "should we pray?"
He nodded his head to say, "yes".
I did the sign of the cross and said our
family blessing over food.
At the end I did the sign of the cross again.
He reached his hand up and put it to his head,
his lips and his heart.  While this is not the sign
of the cross, it is another Catholic representation
that he has done his whole life.  I loved it and
it brought a  tear or two. 
He seems relatively happy but more just plain
content.
Which isn't all bad I guess.
We had family in town last weekend and they
went to visit him.  He really enjoyed it and laughed
and smiled alot.  He doesn't speak much anymore.
In fact, it is a very rare occasion.
I miss hearing his voice.
I miss hearing him sing...alot....

i miss my daddy

how do i carry on?
somedays i wonder.
is it because i deal with it?
is it my genetic make-up?
i don't understand.
i feel as though i am
dealing with this situation
on a daily basis.
therefore making it more
"real"
to me.?
if you sweep it under a
 rug, it goes away.
i must carry on.
my dad would be so
angry to know the pain
he is causing this family.
he loved his family.
he loved being with his family
he misses his family.
wish they could see that.
i don't believe they ever will.
or i don't believe they will ever be able to deal.
sweep, sweep, sweep.

i miss my daddy

arghh.
yawn.
somedays i just get so sick
of this situation that we are in.
that I am in.
it makes me tired and cranky.
i don't like that it makes me feel that
way but i'm not sure what to do about it.
i really try and deal as best i can.
it's exhausting.
somedays i just dont want to think
about it.
and then somedays i don't think
about it.
i just go about my day and then think
what am i going to do tonight.. i run
through things in my mind and then
suddenly think.....
i have to go see pops.
HAVE is a strong word.
need??
want??
it is more like it is time to go see pops.
i try to go everyother day at a minimum.
i feel that this is a fair amount of time
for me and for him.
sometimes it's every third day.
i do what i can.
hate the guilt.
i wonder why no one else in this
family feels the guilt.????
or do they just not deal with it
as always???
i don't get it.
i don't get how you walk away from
your father/grand-father in his
greatest time of need.
i've been over this.
no need beating a dead horse
so to speak.


i miss my daddy

He sure does love me!

Papa sure does love me!
He looks at me with his
brown eyes and they say it.
He can't say it, but his eyes speak.
Someone once told me that he
speaks with his eyes and i totally
see it.  It is wonderful.
Yesterday when I told him I was leaving
his eyes got huge.  I could tell he
didn't want me to leave but he
cannot express himself verbally.
I could see it in his eyes.  I told him
I would be back soon and that made him
happy.  I asked him for a kiss on the cheek
and he gave me one!!!
He sure does love me.

i miss my daddy

And...some days I just want to cry

Some days are so sad.
I just hate it.
The look on his face.
The actions.
I get so sad and depressed
about it.
I work hard at letting things
go.  Just try hard to roll with
things and let things go.
But somedays it is hard.
And some days I don't want
to let things go.
I have to deal with this.
It is my reality.
My dad is gone.
My dad is slowly dying
a miserable death.
Some days I see it.
He is forgetting how to eat.
He has no idea what food is.
If I hand him a candy bar,
he doesn't know what to
do with it. If I give him a glass
of rootbeer, he doesn't know
what to do with it.
What a terrible thing....
Food used to be one of the
few joys he had left in life
and now that is going away.
Music used to be one of the
few joys he had left and that
is also slowly going away.
He does seem to like the music
but I don't get the reaction I did
6-12 months ago.
I just wish I could hear him
sing one more time...

i miss my daddy

Somedays when I go see my dad
it seems as though he has no idea
who I am. 
And other days when I go see my dad
his face lights up and he smiles and
laughs when he looks at me!
Yesterday was one of those days!
I had been there for a couple of hours.
He had chatted with me, patted my leg,
held my hand and looked right at me.
But as I was getting ready to leave and
he was in his bed, he looked at me and
got a HUGE smile on his face and started
giggling.  He just kept doing it while he stared
at me! I went over closer to him and he
reached out for my hand.  I gave him my hand
and he shook it while smiling. In that moment,
he was so happy and so content.   I am so
glad that I am able to give that to him.
It is a funny thing to witness.....
But I would not trade it for anything.
It is so precious!!!
i love my daddy

i miss my daddy

My dad loved sports.
I love sports.
I never really realized it growing up
but he was teaching me to be a sports lover!
I clearly remember sitting in our living room
in Golden Valley watching our counsel TV and
him teaching me the game of
football!
I have been a fan ever since.
He brought me to 1 Vikings game at the
old Met Stadium.  I remember it clearly.
He brought be to alot of North Star games at
the old Met Center.  Including playoff hockey!
I LOVED the North Stars.
Those are some very fond memories I
have of my father that I just don't think of
very often.  He wasn't a man of many words.
In fact, he was fairly quiet....
But the words he spoke stuck with me.
He will be on my mind tonight as I go to
Target Field to watch playoff baseball.
He is on my mind now as I hear about
the Vikings getting Randy Moss again.
He would be LOVING sports in Minnesota right now.

i miss my daddy

Memory Walk 2010

Once again this year we did the Alzheimer's Memory Walk.  We had about 22 people walking this year which was great.  5 of us together raised over $3000 which I thought was amazing! Imagine how much we would raise if everyone raised money! WOW. Well, we are proud of ourselves for raising as much as we did. It was a rainy morning but it stopped as soon as we got there. It was a nice morning and we had a great walk.  After the walk we went to Papa's. We had pizza in the parlour and pretty much our whole group showed up.  It was awesome.  He was in a great mood and he was happy.  I could tell from the look on his face and from him eyes.  His emotions show alot though his eyes.  They were definitely happy eyes! He loved Olivia and Dylan.  It was truly a great day.


i miss my daddy

Wake me up, when September ends.

Not that there is anything terribly wrong with
September, it just has brought on a world
of changes in my life.
As I have matured, I have learned to grasp
change and run with it and accept it and
move on from it and to eventually love it.
But it takes me awhile.
I am a creature of habit.
It took me about two years to adjust to
being in our new home.  I wanted to go "home"
however, I was already there!
I learning as I go and trying hard to do a good job.
But dropping my youngest off at college has
been a change in my life like none other.
I never tried to let my kids define me or revolve
MY life around them.  I worked hard at having
my own life seperate from them and I thought
I did a pretty good job of it.
Now that I don't have kids at home, I'm starting
to wonder!  It is a quiet and lonely and even somewhat
sad environment.  I worked hard at raising those kids and
we had struggles like you wouldn't believe.
But we prevailed and they are happy and I am happy!
I should be so proud and happy for them, AND I AM!
But I still am somewhat sad and feeling the need
to have a pity party for myself.......
I should be very proud of myself for rising above and
defying all odds. Kids of divorced parents.....
kids of a deadbeat dad......kids raised by a single mom...
kids raised by a parent with only one income.......
YES, I am proud.
Proud of them
Pround of ME!
WE DID IT!
I have two very happy and grounded kids who are both
in college.
Well on their way to becoming something amazing.
I just need to be happy about it and stop feeling sorry
for myself.  This is not about me.  This is about them.
This is about their future and me acomplishing the goal
I set for myself.  Raising two super amazing kids.
I wish my dad knew how great they were doing......

i miss my daddy

i miss my daddy

that is it

i miss my daddy
:(

ughh.
almost a month since i've written.
soo busy.
and also, i have thought about it but
just haven't really had anything good
to say so why say anything at all!
although, Papa is doing really good.
I should say that first.  He just seems
so content and happy at the new place.
I am so thankful for that.  The staff
is amazing and I'm thrilled about that.
He was OVERJOYED to see me and leah
last night!  We had a very nice vist.
He loved us both!

This last picture is so nice. Leah said, "SMILE"
and he did! 
He continues to "come to" and realize what is happening
to him.  It sucks but it is life. 

I am continuing to struggle daily with my anger issues.
I wish I didn't have them, but I do.
I wish I could make them go away, but I can't.
I wish I could deal with them better, I CAN!
I am trying so hard to let things go. 
I wish it wasn't so hard for me, but it is.

My latest is in the form of famiily coming around
when it is time for fun and games. They are no
shows everyother day but when it is time for
fun and games, they call my mom to "reserve" a room????
WTF
Get a clue people.
What is important in life.........
They piss me off......
I continue to work on it.
I need to look at the good stuff..
Forget the bad stuff and the stuff
that drives me insane and the people
that drive me insane.
Focus on the good I can do and the joy
I can bring to my Pops :)

i miss my daddy

Selfish people make me angry

I will never understand why
it is so difficult for people to
do things that might make
them a little sad or uncomfortable.
What is the big deal?
It is life people.
Buck up---
Things happen that will
upset you, scare you,
make you want to crawl into
a hole and never come out.
But guess what???
This is life!!
Things happen........
Deal with your issues.
Don't run and hide from them.
Maybe my people aren't "selfish"
so much but that is how they appear.
And it is really starting to piss me off.
I guess starting isn't the right word
because I've been pissed off for
a long time now!
Since we had to put him somewhere.
Why does it seem like I'm the only
one who truly gets it and gives a shit?
It is so disappointing.
I receive so much joy from my visits.
Others could too if they would
give it a chance.  But instead they
have chosen to walk away...
Just walk away from their father, grand-father.
I would say great grand-father also,
but these poor children will never
get a chance to know the man he was.
I wonder if I would be bringing my
toddler up to see him if things were
different.  YES.  I would.
Yesterday Pops got to enjoy the fun
of small children with someone elses
family.  At least he got that.  Otherwise
all he has is me...1 son now and then
and 1 daughter now and then...
2 grandkids (MINE) that come when
they can. 
whewwwww
i think i feel a bit better :)

i miss my daddy

Things are really going well
at the Wellstead.  Pops
seems to be adjusting really well.
I spoke with Josh while I was
there last night and he is happy
with the quick adjustment Pops
has made.  This made me feel really
good.  He also said that he is not
doing anything that they are not
used to dealing with. Just typical
behaviors for this disease.  I cannot
believe how bad the other place
was.  I sent letters off last week
to upper management. I wonder
if we will hear anything.  It is so
sad and disappointing to know that
this lack of care is happening. It became
so very clear once he was in a place
where they actually care for him.
Oh well, we are not looking back.
I am trying to let go of the guilt I feel.
I don't think it will ever fully go away.
You have guilt always about am I going
enough, is he happy, are they taking
good care of him....it is never ending.
I sure do feel better about the new place
and you sure do feel much more at ease
about not having to go every single day.
I will continue to go very often but
will not stress myself out if I can't make
it one day.  I sure wish family members
would go once in awhile.  I know he
feels anger and abandonment from them.
I can see it in his face and his actions if
I bring people up.  So now I just don't
talk about anyone except the people that
go up there. Leah, Tyler, Donna and Tom.
Pathetic really...........

i miss my daddy

Feel the LOVE!

Last night the best thing happened.
I decided to go visit Pops a little later, 7ish.
Just was going to run in and check on him.
I got there and he was in his room in a pair
of boxers and a T-shirt which right away
made me happy because he had been wearing
his "suits" the last few times I'd been there.
I sat next to him as he was watching an old
western on the TV.  His demeanor was
very calm and relaxed, even happy.
We chatted a bit, I scratched his head
and back.  He tapped his hand on his
leg in beat with the piano music coming
from the television.
When I got ready to leave, I bent over and
was talking to him.  I told him I was leaving.
He said a few words. I said, "Do you know my name"?
He said, "Uh huh", which is a normal response.
So I said, "look at my pretty face! I'm your
daughter, Katie!" He took my arms in his and
rubbed them gently, then took my face in his
hands and just looked at me smiling!!!!!!
It was a wonderful moment for me.
I immediately lost it.  It was so touching.
At that very moment I felt a father's love like none I have ever felt!

i miss my daddy
.......but i sure felt him last night

i'm so very happy that pops
is doing so great at the new place.
i know our saying is 'don't look back,
only look ahead' but i sure do feel
guilty for keeping in that hell hole
as long as we did.
i was the stubborn one who
thought the transition would be too
hard and i didn't think the benefits
would be that great.  boy, was i wrong.
he just seems so much better there.
happy even. 
they say he is great. friendly, nice.
he's not striking out at them and he
is letting them take care of him.
i will just look ahead and try not
to have the guilt.  it takes away
from my positive attitude which then
takes away from my proper caring....
i miss my daddy

Less than 3 years ago......

sept visit 080
Originally uploaded by jensen/rice

This photo was taken at my nephew's wedding in September of 2007. I just can't help but think that this was the last fun, enjoyable family event we had with my dad. He was really quite good at this event and he had such a great time as you can see from this picture! I'm so glad we have this memory.

i miss my daddy

"Lead Me"

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”




I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...




“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”




I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
i'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...




“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”




So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?


To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

This picture was taken last year just prior to us having to put Pops into a home.  It makes me feel very sad to look at it because it was the last time he was home.

I went to the Wellstead last night for the 2nd time.  It seems really great.  He seems as though he's being cared for.  He was happy and talkative and in a pretty good mood.  Some weird things happened but nothing really bad.  He does have some bruising but I guess my feeling is that if he is happy and being cared for, well , I guess we can live with the bruising.  I would guess sometimes they have to touch him to take care of him.  We had a nice visit.  He was eerily "there" last night also.  He said things like, "when are we getting out of here".  He pointed outside the gates and said, "I want to go out there".  Sometimes these things are comforting and other times they are heart-wrenching.  Mostly it's the latter.

I miss my daddy

Change

Friday 6/18
Care Conference with Jan, Rose, Kris, Mary Clare, Mary Pam, Leona, Donna and Katie
They asked us to start looking for a new place for Pops
We had already decided to do this based on inadequate care.  This place is a disaster and
they have given up on him.  It is incredibly sad. At this point they have pretty much quit caring
for him and he hasn't been able to participate or be involved in anything.  Also, I believe it has
been at least 10 days if not longer since he has had a shower. He has a terrible odor and is just
plain dirty/
Saturday 6/19 9:30pm:
I receive a call from "Comfort" at the home. She says that Don has gotten into someone elses bed
and that when the lady went in there he kicked at her.  She did not get hurt. The staff wanted me to come in
at 9:30 on Sat. night and take care of him. I was not available or anywhere near the home. I talked with my sister and she went up there. By the time she got there the staff had figured out how to get him out of the bed. They used food which is really common sense if you pay attention to him. By the time my sister got there he was good to go.
Monday 6/21/10 12:pm
I never heard another word from anyone at the Waterford after Saturday.  I was up there twice on Sunday for Father's Day and everyone said things were going just fine.  Monday around noon I get a call from Rose saying that they are going to call 911 based on the "incident" that occured on Saturday night.  It was at that time that I told her they were NOT calling 911 and sending him to a hospital because he was not sick. I told them I would be by within 2 hours to pick him up and move him out.  We had enough of the inadequate care that he had been receiving.  We would care for him at home.  And we did just that.   6/21-6/28 we cared for him at my moms apartment in Crystal. My mom, my sister and I round the clock 24/7.....I began giving him his meds. on a regular basis which we are fairly confident was NOT happening at the Waterford.  After about 3 days in our care, his mood stabilized and he actually started talking, smiling and laughing.  We are not looking back, only ahead.
Tuesday 6/29:  We moved Pops into the Wellstead of Rogers today.  Hoping and praying that all goes well.
My heart is aching and I cry often but remain opimistic.  It is a great place!  The staff is outstanding.

6/17/10 - Happy :)

Yesterday was a pretty darn good day.
All the excitement is over and the
company is gone.  When I arrived
he was thrilled to see me.  Very
lucid and with it. He was chatting
and making lots of sense.  It felt great!
He also looked good and also
seemed to be focusing in on me more.
It seems as though he was not as
drugged up as he had been.
Who knows.  Because then I called my
mom and she said he had been terrible
for her earlier in the day......
We are planning on moving him.
I'm scared about it but it seems like we should.
They don't know how to handle him.
All they ever talk about is how bad he is
and how bad the agitation is.
It is time. There are facilities out there
much more equipt to take care of him.
I hope it works.
Nervous..

i miss my daddy

i have slacked off once again.
soo busy preparing for grad party.
it is hard to continue with life
as i know it and then throw in
something else. having to get
ready for this party is consuming
so much of my time i haven't
been to see pops as much.
you would think i could do
this without feeling much guilt.
yeah, right! it sucks. i just feel
so bad.  and i also miss him.
i know that he would not want me to fret
though. he would tell me to do
what i have to do.
my dad was a man of few words,
but for some reason his wisdom
sticks with me.
i also have decided that planning
a grad. party is no reason to
stress or freak out as i've done
in the past. big deal, it will
get done. the party will happen.
THIS is a big deal. and THIS is
something to stress about.
THIS SUCKS.

i miss my daddy

"KATIE"

"KATIE"
The sweetest word I've heard
in a very long time!
I said, "come on dad, come with me"
He said, "who are you"
I said, "It's me, Katie"
"KATIE"??
It was wonderful.
The aids found it sad and
depressing but not me!
I know that he doesn't
always know me. 
But I have not heard him
speak my name in so
long  and so
I LOVED IT :)
Also that same day,
when I first got there,
he was in the bed but
not sleeping.  Just laying
there looking at all of the
family pictures like he
does every single day.
I went up to him and said,
"Hi Papa, It's me Katie,
your daughter".
He smiled so big and just
stared into my eyes and
examined my face.  I was
thrilled an overjoyed.
I have not felt that much
love from him in a very long time.
It was precious!
If you are an outsider
looking in I'm sure these
things seem sad. 
But for me, living in the moment,
taking it all in, and accepting it
and running with it because I have
no choice and there is no other option....................
I LOVE those little things.
That is my dad and I love him
He still means the word to me
and is still my hero.
These gestures are all I have left of him.
I WILL TAKE THEM!!!!  : )

i miss my daddy

How much longer?

oh---
how much longer can i deal?
i am feeling so overwhelmed
and frustrated by my life.
i'm wondering how long this can go on?
in actuality, i know the answer to that...
a long freakin' time.
he is 79.
10 years???
i doubt it.
5 years???
a good possibility.
i get so drained.
life gets so busy and i
feel as though i'm pulled all
over as does everyone.
but then i add in my trips to
be with him.
NOT everyone does this.
in fact, few do.
i continue to work hard
at not focusing on this and
not having anger.
i need to just focus on him
i just don't know how
much longer i can do it.
it is physically and mentally draining.
it wears me out to no end.

i miss my daddy

Dream on.

I've had a recurring dream lately.
It is my dad coming to me.
He is himself.
It is very strage. 
It is starting to kind of piss me off!
I am unsure if I like it or not.
But I do know that the dreams
are very vivid.
I remember them clearly.
Last night I dreamt that he was
in the hospital.  When I got there,
I walked in the room and he said,
"Katie"
Just like he used to.
I would imagine these dreams to
be the same or similar to
when a loved one dies. 
You hear stories of how they
come to you in dreams.
Only difference is that he is still
alive.

i miss my daddy

i have two topics today.
1) Memories
2)Mean girl

1)  So last night Tyler started pulling out pictures for his graduation video.  We came across a bunch of pics of my dad with him and also with the other grandkids.  It was very sad and somewhat depressing yet somewhat warm feelings moved through me.  Although at times i may claim to not have had the best childhood, i do believe in my heart and soul that my dad did the best he could.  I believe that he loved each and every one of us more than we will ever know.  I heard a song on the radio yesterday called, "a father's love.  It was about a father who didn't know how to express his love verbally so he did it in his actions.  This was my dad.  Fixing a car, painting a house and even babysitting my kids! I think he loved to babysit the kids.  And he was good at it.  I wish I had more pictures of my kids when they were young with my dad.....

2) Why am I such a mean girl towards my mother?  Do I have underlying anger that I am holding against her?  Probably.  I'm not sitting here stewing about it or anything but I must.  I feel so bad that I'm so mean to her.  I just can't stop or help it.  I need to stop being like this because my time with her is limited.  She is pushing 80 years old.  She is a granny on the go and is in great shape which I'm greatful for.  There are people in my situation that are caring for BOTH parents.  Not ready to deal with that...  I must attempt to be a nicer daughter to her.  We just butt heads.  Oh, how I hope it's not because we are so much alike.. yikes!  I will strive hard to be a better person.  Calm/relaxed around my mother.   This is NOT her fault.

i miss my daddy

it sucks to get old.
my new life quote
"live hard, die young"
not too young..
just before i get
cursed with this
god-forsaken
diseasease!
my kids think i
am crazy.  and
maybe i am...
but i do NOT want
to  live like that.
my dad would be
so pissed to know
that he is living
like this.
pissed.....

i miss my daddy

how can it be that we go from
things being absolutely fabulous...
to things being absolutely horrible...
in a spilt second????
why is this disease so dang confusing?
if it was easy to deal with i guess it
wouldn't be the terminal, heart-wrenching
disease that it is.
i wish i could figure it out, but i know
that i can't nor will i ever be able to.
all we can do is strive to make him
be happy and content.  at this point,
that is all we want for him....
happiness
contentment
is that too much to ask???
i am attempting to enjoy what
i have left of him but it gets harder
and harder everyday.  i will not change.
i will continue to do what i do.
i need to find some faith though.
i think i have lost it.
maybe faith will help me pull through
this and not be so angry??
maybe.......

i miss my daddy

Words were spoken.......

Most of the time the words
don't make much sense....
But when they do, it can
break your heart.
Yesteday I was walking
my dad down the hallway,
holding his hand and telling
him my name and that I  am
his daughter. I always do this.
We got to our destination at
I sat down and started getting
some music ready to play.
He stood up above me and
looked out the window.
He suddlenly spoke:

"Ya got 8 of 'em, ya hear that?
But there's just you.  There is
none of them left.  Ya hear that?"

Now to some this may not mean
much.  But to me, it spoke
loud and clear.  I interpreted
this to be his way of attemping to
communicate that he is in there.
That he knows that his kids
are not around. He knows it
is primarily me that is up there with him.
I do not mean to slam on my
family but WOW, this was insane to me.
It freaks me out.
It breaks my heart.

i miss my daddy

April 26 was
so over medicated.
May 6th, seems better.
He is much more alert
lately and actually still
very happy.
I met with the Dr. and
we discussed the meds.
We determined to leave
them as is for now although
she said if he has more bouts
with sadness we may want
to put him on an anti-depressant.
We will just wait and see
how he does.
Yesterday he had another
pass out episode. They were
able to get it under
control without calling 911
which was great. 
It is not good for him to
have to ride in the ambulance
and go to the hospital only
to find there is nothing
wrong with him.  It causes
much un-needed stress.
Last night was precious.
I was there at bedtime and
tucked him into bed. He
just has been looking at
me as though to say with his
eyes, "i know who you are, I
just can't tell you"
It has been joyous yet
very overly emotional for me.
Sometimes I think it was
better when he didn't
look me in the eye. Although,
I do love that he seems
to recognize me and also
the love I feel from the brown
eyes staring at me is so
lovely! And the smiles are
heart-warming.

i miss my daddy

OH Happy Day!!

Saturday was the best day in months!
I took this picture at the end of our visit
after we tucked Pops into bed for a little
siesta.  He was extremely happy the whole
day!  Leah came with me so that might have
helped!  He sure does love her the most.
Which I love to see! Any glimpse of reality
I see from him is such a joy.  He looked at
both of us and just stared at our faces and
smiled. As though he recognized us but
couldn't say as much. I was feeling so good
about our visit Saturday and couldn't wait
to get back on Sunday. He was great again
on Sunday! Not as great, but still pretty darn
good! It has been a refreshing change.  I
may go tonight or wait til tomorrow. I hope
this happy mood continues.  Although, I remain
a realist and know the ups and downs of this
terrible disease.

i miss my daddy