Yesterday TJ, Roxxie and I went
to visit Pops. He was in the bed
when we got there, just laying
there listening to music, not sleeping.
He grinned from ear to ear upon
seeing us as he usually does.
I checked the room out like
I usually do. Everything seemed
in order with the exception
of two photographs that were
on the back of the toilet.
One picture was of me, Leah and
Tyler and the other one was
of Roxxie. This struck me as
very odd yet also made me
think alot. Does he look at
those pictures and recognize us?
Did he pull them out because he
thought they WERE us? This
has happened in the past.
Sometimes he cannot
distinguish between a photo
and reality. It is extremely
heartbreaking. Finding those
photos on the back of the toilet
of me and my family and my dog
made me wonder if he misses us.
Like he tore them out and carried
them around with him. I
struggle everyday with guilt.
I realize more and more each
day how this is wearing on me
to my very core. I try not to let it
but I know that it does. I have
changed. He is gone. Life is
completely different. I deal with it.
I carry on. I have a heavy heart
every single day of my life.
Happiness and fun is much
more difficult to achieve.

i miss my daddy

I am fairly computer saavy
but can't figure out how
to post more pics to this.
Oh well!
I posted one under a
seperate post and that
worked but I would like
to jazz it up a bit.


The guilt was pretty
bad yesterday. Pops
wanted to go with me.
It is so hard.
I compare it to dropping
your kids off at daycare.
It is a very similar feeling.
They look at you, and want
to come with you.
They don't want you to leave.
The only difference is
that he doesn't throw
a screaming fit! I'm glad
for that.
It still is very hard though,
to see your father in this
predicament.
I'm so sad.
I do a pretty good job
disassociating myself from
the situation, but somedays
I just want him back.
Somedays it is too hard
to seperate myself.


i miss my daddy

I'm feeding old people---
That is a new saying that I have!
I don't mean anything by it,
it is just what I do!
The woman who sits next
to Pops at dinner is named Marie.
She is blind.
100% blind.
She is a dear, darling, sweet
woman.
Her husband lives downstairs
and comes frequently.
Sometimes he is there for dinner and
sometimes he is not.
When he is not and the aides are
busy I help her eat.
I started doing this after watching
her bring an empty fork up
to her mouth many, many times
with no food on it. She has quite the time.
When her husband is there feeding her,
I can feel the love. It is an intense
bond between the two of them that
has probably been that way for for upwards
of 70 years.. She is soon to be 88. I don't know much
about their story, but I know it is LOVE.
Old love. Right in your face love.
A love that you don't see everyday.
I hope my love will feed me
when I am 88 and blind.
This appears to be so real and
so old. Such an old love. Unlike
any I have really seen before.
True love.

i miss my daddy

I find it odd and interesting
that I can miss someone
SO MUCH.........
yet I can see that person
everyday.
It is a very strange
feeling that I'm sure
not many people will
ever experience in their
lifetime. AD is probably
one of the few terrible
things that happen to
a person that cause these
feelings. I would guess
it may happen also with
someone who has become
incapacitated for whatever
reason, accident or illness.
Someone who is unable
to express verbally maybe.
It is a weird feeling.
I used to hate it when
people said to me..
"at least you can still see him"
I just kept thinking about that
and then I came up with this thought..
Yes, I can see him.
But it is not the him I know.

i miss my daddy

I was going to write about
my daughter today but
realized that I just wrote
about my kids the other day!
Leah is so amazing though.
She spend 2 hours with Papa
yesterday afternoon. She
finds it rewarding and also
loves him so much.
I am so very proud of
her for doing this.
I have been able to stay
away for 2 days now.
I will most likely go
today but not entirely
sure.
We invited my mom
over for dinner. She is
going to St. Louis for
a week. She said she
is too busy. That is fine.
She is finding things to do on
her own and it makes
me soo happy.
You cannot rely on your
kids for friendship or
happiness. This much
I have learned.
I try very hard to
have patience with her
but it is hard.

i miss my daddy

i am so very proud of
both of my kids and the
way they handle this
horrible situation that
life has dealt us.
they both just do it...
like me....
leah is a true caregiver
tyler is scared
it makes me very sad
to see the look on his
face when he is with papa.
he is scared of him.
they were best buds.
i think it is harder on him
than her.
or she knows how to deal
with it better than he does.
but i am just so
very proud of both of
them for stepping up
without me every asking.
the just do it.

they miss their papa
i miss my daddy

Christmas came and went
without MUCH drama!
Christmas Eve started with
a phone call from the ER saying
they had Pops and that he
was found un-responsive.
Yeah, wrong guy......
It was his roommate, Pete
that they found un-responsive.
The emotions we felt that day
were just insane. It was
the worst feeling you could
imagine. The call you never
want to get. Then it turns out
to be an error.??? Could've been a
life threatening error. I was
super pissed, but what
do you do???? The home
apologized, what more
can they do? I felt horrible
for George, the night aide who
made the error. This was
a big error to make.....

We brought Pops to Tom's for
xmas-eve, it went ok. It was
very trying for everyone.
Especially those who have
not dealt with the
situation.......not sure what
they thought he'd be like
but it was a rude awakening.
I believe Papa enjoyed himself
for the most part. He has no
clue though....doesn't know
who anyone is.. not my mom or me
or my kids or anyone.....
no idea.

i miss my daddy

tyler says i should start blogging daily. to keep a record/journal of all that we are going through and dealing with. it is hard for me to over-saturate myself with the situation so i tend not to write very often. i will make every attempt to start doing so though. i think he is right. it will be nice to be able to look back at and also the good times should be recorded and remembered!