the days sort of seem
to blend together.
each one really much
like the one before.
i attempt to give him
some sort of joy.
i attempt to give him
a sence of importance.
part of me really
sees him sometime.
i see that he is in there.
he is sad.
i can see it.
he has no way to
express himself.
it is probably the
singlemost sad
thing i've gone through
in my life.
i find myself feeling
jealous when i see
an old man who is
tip top shape.
it brings the whole
"it's not fair"
thing back in my mind.
i feel glad that i am
able to deal with it
as best i can.
it is not fun, it is depressing
but you
have to deal.
for me,
i have no choice.
i would be doing the
same for my mother.
it is what you do.
honor
thy
father
and
mother.

i miss my daddy

smiles :-)

Today we had a care conference
with all the powers that be.........
I thought it went well.
They were very concerned
and also appreciated all of
the things we brought up.
Not sure what will happen,
if anything
but things needed to be said.
I am sure I talked the most
but then again, I know the most.
After the meeting we went to see
Pops.
He was in his room, sitting in
his chair listening to music.
HAPPY!
He was smiling like crazy

when we came in the door.
He was overjoyed and
THRILLED
that we were there.
That made me feel sooooooooo
GREAT!
The smile stayed on his face.
He was in a very good mood.
I'm so glad of that.
I had to leave right away to
get back to work.
Donna and Annie stayed I hope for awhile.
These are the moments
I live for...
The moments I treasure
and
The moments that
I hope come more
often..............................
i miss my daddy

Again, I have let time go by
and not updated my blog.
Kind of on purpose.
Nothing really good to say
Except that Mary was
here.
We had an awesome time
and I enjoyed her
company, input and help
in dealing with this situation.
Somedays I feel so alone.
I know I am not.
But....no one seems
to get it or to care as much
as i do.
Mary got it and Mary cared.
I am struggling with
guilt
almost daily.
I feel so bad that he has
to be in that place.
It just does not seem fair.
To live your life, earn a living,
raise a family, retire, travel
and then end up here.
UNFAIR.
i missy my daddy

Missing an important man.

Labor Day came and went.
It's funny how the world just keeps
on going despite any issues you
have going on. Sickness, depression,
happiness, sadness, it just keeps on
a going. Nothing stops. Nothing waits.
People just keep going on about
their business. My world feels like
it has slowed down a bit. Even though
I'm busy as always, it just has a calm
sense of slowness in regards to my dad.
I was amazed when I looked at the calendar
today and realized it has only been 2.5 weeks.
Seems like forever.
Tyler and I went on Monday and Tuesday.
Both days he was in his room in the bed.
Monday dressed and attempting a nap.
And yesterday in bed for the night at 7pm
He flew out though when we walked in.
VERY glad to see us. Donna was there
during the day. He seems ok but it is
sure sad. There is an underlying look
that he is giving me that is trying to
say something. I am unsure what it is.
My kids have both commented on this
so I know it's not just me and I'm not going
crazy. He sure seems to know more now
than he has known in a very long time.
I feel like visiting him everyday because
of the joy I bring. I will attempt to do
this. It is hard, but I will try my best.
It is what you do for your parents.
I miss my daddy

Things are going
pretty good.
We are feeling pretty good about
how things are going with pops
at the new place.
He seems happy.
In fact, possibly more
happy than he seemed
before he went there.
He continues to laugh
and to sing and to
carry on when we go
to visit him. I feel like
we have a long road
ahead of us but I feel
quite optimisitic
about things. He is my
dad and I will be there
for him.
Others, not so much.
Thank God for my
daughter
who helps out so much.
And who he loves the most!
I'm so happy about that.
I'd rather have him know
my children than know me.
They miss their Papa.
I miss my daddy.

Today is the best
he will ever be again.
Someone said that to me.
I guess that is true.
This disease is progressive.
It only gets worse.
It doesn't get better.
We certainly can have
days that are better than
the last.
But today is the best he will
ever be again........

Monday was the day
She dropped him off.
I haven't heard
anything since then.
hmmmm
What to do..
I will see if she called
to check on him.
To see how his night
went. To see how his
day is going.
Otherwise, I will call
tomorrow. I will visit
on Thursday for music.
I feel sad
I feel sick to my stomach
My heart hurts
aches
devasted
I missy my daddy

I'd like to go away from here please
I wish I could just not think
about it for awhile
I don't think that is
possible for me
That is who I am
I care
I don't get the other
people
and why they don't care
I cannot understand
comprehend
or
fathom
it
Each to their own
At the end of the day
I will know I was there
I will know I've done all
I can

I miss my daddy

The time is now
We have found a place that
we all agree on and like
The fact that it is nice
doesn't help the fact
that I don't want to do this
We really don't have
any other option at this point
This is just the progression
that this disease is taking
I am NOT ready for it
I do NOT want to do it
I feel suddenly as though
I need to cram tons of things
into the last few days of
his life in the outside world
I know that I will be able to
take him out but I also know
that it will be different
Last night we have the 1st
evaluation by the RN and the
Occupational Therapist
I was supposed to be paying attention
to the RN who was talking
with my mom and I but
all I could do was listen
to my dad talk to the OT
He was actually talking
and listening and attempting
to answer questions
I listeted intently as his
brain searched for answers,
sometimes they came freely,
other times he never found them
Either way, he was happy and
he was talking and I was
enjoying hearing him speak
He doesn't know how many kids he has.....3 or 4
boys or girls? mostly girls, i guess
What city are you in? East Moline, IL
Holds up a picture of my mom, "is this your wife" No.
No recognition whatsoever
Points to a pen, what is this? no answer
Points to her ring, what is this? no answer
It was very sad
I miss my daddy

the days are getting longer
the moments are happening more
the time is coming
am i ready for it
no
is he ready for it
no
is she ready for it
yes
it will be ok
what choice do we have
none as far as i can see
i feel horrible
i feel sad
i feel mad
i feel hurt
he would feel all of
these things if he knew
he was causing this pain
i miss my daddy.

Last weekend Leah had 3 friends up to the cabin. Papa actually seemed to really like the girls. All 3 of them are very nice and for the most part, quiet...which is what he likes. He doesn't like heavy or loud people. Nothing against them, he just doesn't do well around people like this. Some people have figured this out and try hard to be much quieter around him....some have not. oh well...it's life.
The girls and I took Pops to the Aitkin Riverboat Days parade. He had a very nice time. There were a couple episodes but for the most part he enjoyed himself. When we got back we turned on the music and had a sing along and a dance party! He really had lots of fun doing this. He LOVES music, loves to dance. So uninhibited by anything. I love it! Just like a small child. My dad was never really shy so to speak, but not outgoing either. He did love to cut a rug back in the day and continues to!
Things are getting much tougher on my mom. Stories of hard times seem to be coming daily now rather than maybe once per week. This is not good. I try to wish it away but know that is not realistic. I feel bad for both of my parents. Find myself thinking back on the last 41 years of my life alot. Wondering, how in the hell did we get here???
Life is not fair.
I miss my daddy.

we had a good mood last night.

we LOVE good moods.

they seem to be few and far between

i make a point to try hard to

remember these good times.

a couple of weeks ago at the cabin,

just after he started taking a new medication, we

had a good day!

I was doing the dishes and my

dog was walking around the kitchen

getting in the way.

I looked directly at my dad, even though

he doesn't make eye contact very often,

and said,"dad, will you let roxxie outside?"

without a moments hesitation he said,

"which door should i use?" this was

HUGE.

He rarely responds to us anymore.

I pointed and told him, "the front".

He walked over to the door, opened it,

and the dog walked outside.

YES!

Something so small and what may

seem like no big deal was a HUGE

deal in my mind.

I felt like a super proud mother

of a toddler who had just followed

a direction! Sad, but true.

As our parent's age, the roles do reverse

and we become the adults and them the

children. Sometimes having to make

decisions for them based on them

not being able to. Again, sad but true.

wednesday.
on and on the complaining went
how do i deal with this?
i listen
i listen
i listen
on it goes
what to say
want to hang up
can't
need to be supportive
sometimes i don't want to
i block out many details
don't want to know
i am a realist
i know the truth
that doesn't mean i want to hear it
bad things are happening
bad things are to come
it can't get any better
it will only get worse
he would be devastated to know what has happened to him
i miss my daddy

need to see my daddy.
it has been 1.5 weeks.
even though he doesn't know me.
maybe tomorrow.

great pics taken
over the 4th of him
he was in a good mood
one afternoon so
we just started snapping
photos.
few and far between

i miss my daddy

That will never happen to me

That will never happen to me is something we all say.
I can remember looking at people who had
to care for their ageing parents and think,
that will never be me....
Well here I am.
The shell of my father sitting at the table.
Eating the lunch I just made him.
Not acknowledging me or looking at me.
Not saying my name or knowing who I am.
This IS my life now.
This IS my father now.
That DID happen to me.
Now I live with this pain called Alzheimer's haunting
my everyday.
My father would be so sad if he knew what was happening.
He would be devasted to know the pain this causes us.
He was and is a wonderful man.
But he is just a shell of my father.

The glove

Hmm
Why do I forget about this??
Back to my main reason....
Alzheimers.
I have picked Pops up the last two days in a row. 1st day, good mood, not so bad. Things went quite well. 2nd day, crabby, still went good but he wasn't as happy.
Which sucks. Just when you think things are seeming a bit better, you get hit again..
Nothing will ever bring him back but when I see glimpses of who he was, it is wonderful and
terrible all at the same time. We brought him to Donnas last night and he rode in the backseat, Tyler had a pair of gloves back there and Pops put one on. He looked like MIchael Jackson! I wasn't going to tell him to take it off since he gets cranky. It was pretty funny! We must keep our sense of humor!
Total family weekend ahead.. Good and bad there as well. I wish I could just be happy with my family and not feel the need to complain about them, but that is just not the way it is. oh well. I am sure all families are like this. Some much worse. We just shove things under the rug and pretend they didn't or aren't happening. Some families yell and scream and have blow outs and never talk again. hmmm wonder which is worse.

FRIDAY FRIDAY!
Yay! Finally Friday. I swear, I live for the weekends lately.
And man do I miss having Fridays off in the Summer.
Yuck. Sucks working them.
Just sort of had to start working them again a few
years back. Just life I guess. Sure do hate it though.


Going to Battle today. Bob is driving up himself around noon and
I will go when I get off work. I do like it up there, however, a little
bit rustic for me. No big.. I can deal. Just not my idea of a perfect
weekend. Much rather have a cabin to be in. He loves it though,
so I make every attempt to do the same!


Starving... brought a salad. Delish but boring! Need to figure out food
for the weekend.


Pretty boring.

Today is Bobby's 50th bday. Who woulda thought I'd end up with an old guy! Just joking. I love him to death! He has been such a wonderful part of the last 9 years. Just incredibly sick of people asking when we will get married. Really? Isn't this 2009? hmmm. Get with the times people. I get the older generations wondering about it, but our peers. Get over yourselves people. The more you talk about it, the further away I run from it. Psych 101 you would think!

I passed my motorcycle permit test this morning! SOmething I have wanted to do for awhile. It was pretty easy. I panicked a bit in the beginning but pulled it off in the end. Now to practice riding some more and to take the safety class. The one I wanted to take next week was canceled. Now I will have to wait and see about another one. I don't feel like wasting a whole weekend on it but if I have to I guess I will.

Monday

Good weekend. Party came and went and was a hit! Glad it is over. It was a ton of fun.

Of course I broke down and called. No clue as to why I haven't called. Made a comment about,
"you have been absent enough"..
Really?

End of my Monday
going home :-)

Today is a big day! Bob's surprise party. I wish I wasn't such a freak out. I just freak myself out all the time over little crap. When in the scheme of life, BIG DEAL!!! Need to get over it.
Also, my mother is still pissed off at me for the whole Vegas trip. She is mad she didn't get to go. Sorry. She wouldn't have had any fun there anyway. NOT a place for 78 year old ladies. She doesn't see it. She is stubborn. I'm stubborn too. Of course I'll be the one who gives. Which I hate. Why can't she just realize what she does/says. Her words and actions are so painful. She doesn't get it. I understand her life sucks. Bad.. I get that. But she seems to have forgot she is my mother. And I am her daughter. I need a mother still! SHe doesn't see it at all. I need to get over it. Life is too short to worry about things like that. I need to keep my life in perspective. Sometimes it is hard but I will continue to work on it. I never want to make my own children feel the way I feel today. :-(

Alzheimers

I sort of forgot I had started this blog to just track daily living. I think I will try to start doing that for myself. But more importantly start writing things I remember about my dad. And my mom too for that matter. I fear I will not recall these memories and only have the recent ones which are not the greatest to remember.
Dad seemed quite a bit better after we put him on the new pill. It is a heavy duty anti-psychotic pill that scared the crap out of me. But after seeing him and seeing that it does seem to be improving his communication a bit, I think it will be ok. Of course nothing is a cure. Just something to buy a little more time. He seemed to enjoy life more. We took him for a walk and we also took him for a boat ride. He liked both and didn't complain a bit. He listened to some music but didn't sing along. I miss those days. I hope I get to hear him sing again soon. He loved to sing. He loved music his whole life. And loved dancing! My mom and dad were in a dance club when I was young. They would get together with friends once a month and go to the Legion and dance. I think they both loved it. I sure don't think are are things to do like that anymore. Too bad.. Mom also was part of a card club too. Where they would meet once a month at peoples houses and play cards and smoke and drink! Good times for her I'm sure!!