Anger Management

argh.
i need anger management bad.
i'm trying so hard to not worry about
other people and what they are doing
but it is very hard for me.
to know that there are family members
right here in town that don't go see my dad
is so maddening.  to know that people
come into town and don't go see him
is absolutely frustrating.  I'm so ticked
it makes my stomach hurt and my head ache.
i really need to try to let it go. 
this is not how i want to live my life.
i want to do what i need to do for myself and
forget the rest.
i can feel my blood boil though when the
thought of spending christmas with
them goes though my mind.
all is fine and dandy when it's a party.
i would be so happy to have xmas eve
at my dads place.  but none of them would
want to do that.  they have to cook their food
and drink their booze.  all much more important
to them......i just dont get it.. i'm so freakin' pissed
off about it..
i need to let it go.. i try...i work on it.. it doesn't work...

i miss my daddy

Randomness

a list of random thoughts i'm having:

1) how can you not see your sick father and be ok with it?

2) i never imagined i'd use the word 'alzheimer's' in my daily vocab.

3) i don't think i could be more proud of my kids for being so incredibly awesome with Papa and this situation life has thrown at them.

4) by starting a new job i have realized the importance of continuing to learn and grow and also how important it is to use your brain and keep it working.

5) how can you know that a loved one is in a facility and not even ever visit him?

6) how can you miss someone so much, even though you can see him and be with him everyday?

7) how can one person have a world of guilt for not seeing pops for 4 days and other people can go months or even 1 year without seeing him.

The sign of the cross

Last night I sad with Pops during supper.
The food came and I said, "should we pray?"
He nodded his head to say, "yes".
I did the sign of the cross and said our
family blessing over food.
At the end I did the sign of the cross again.
He reached his hand up and put it to his head,
his lips and his heart.  While this is not the sign
of the cross, it is another Catholic representation
that he has done his whole life.  I loved it and
it brought a  tear or two. 
He seems relatively happy but more just plain
content.
Which isn't all bad I guess.
We had family in town last weekend and they
went to visit him.  He really enjoyed it and laughed
and smiled alot.  He doesn't speak much anymore.
In fact, it is a very rare occasion.
I miss hearing his voice.
I miss hearing him sing...alot....

i miss my daddy

how do i carry on?
somedays i wonder.
is it because i deal with it?
is it my genetic make-up?
i don't understand.
i feel as though i am
dealing with this situation
on a daily basis.
therefore making it more
"real"
to me.?
if you sweep it under a
 rug, it goes away.
i must carry on.
my dad would be so
angry to know the pain
he is causing this family.
he loved his family.
he loved being with his family
he misses his family.
wish they could see that.
i don't believe they ever will.
or i don't believe they will ever be able to deal.
sweep, sweep, sweep.

i miss my daddy

arghh.
yawn.
somedays i just get so sick
of this situation that we are in.
that I am in.
it makes me tired and cranky.
i don't like that it makes me feel that
way but i'm not sure what to do about it.
i really try and deal as best i can.
it's exhausting.
somedays i just dont want to think
about it.
and then somedays i don't think
about it.
i just go about my day and then think
what am i going to do tonight.. i run
through things in my mind and then
suddenly think.....
i have to go see pops.
HAVE is a strong word.
need??
want??
it is more like it is time to go see pops.
i try to go everyother day at a minimum.
i feel that this is a fair amount of time
for me and for him.
sometimes it's every third day.
i do what i can.
hate the guilt.
i wonder why no one else in this
family feels the guilt.????
or do they just not deal with it
as always???
i don't get it.
i don't get how you walk away from
your father/grand-father in his
greatest time of need.
i've been over this.
no need beating a dead horse
so to speak.


i miss my daddy