"KATIE"

"KATIE"
The sweetest word I've heard
in a very long time!
I said, "come on dad, come with me"
He said, "who are you"
I said, "It's me, Katie"
"KATIE"??
It was wonderful.
The aids found it sad and
depressing but not me!
I know that he doesn't
always know me. 
But I have not heard him
speak my name in so
long  and so
I LOVED IT :)
Also that same day,
when I first got there,
he was in the bed but
not sleeping.  Just laying
there looking at all of the
family pictures like he
does every single day.
I went up to him and said,
"Hi Papa, It's me Katie,
your daughter".
He smiled so big and just
stared into my eyes and
examined my face.  I was
thrilled an overjoyed.
I have not felt that much
love from him in a very long time.
It was precious!
If you are an outsider
looking in I'm sure these
things seem sad. 
But for me, living in the moment,
taking it all in, and accepting it
and running with it because I have
no choice and there is no other option....................
I LOVE those little things.
That is my dad and I love him
He still means the word to me
and is still my hero.
These gestures are all I have left of him.
I WILL TAKE THEM!!!!  : )

i miss my daddy

How much longer?

oh---
how much longer can i deal?
i am feeling so overwhelmed
and frustrated by my life.
i'm wondering how long this can go on?
in actuality, i know the answer to that...
a long freakin' time.
he is 79.
10 years???
i doubt it.
5 years???
a good possibility.
i get so drained.
life gets so busy and i
feel as though i'm pulled all
over as does everyone.
but then i add in my trips to
be with him.
NOT everyone does this.
in fact, few do.
i continue to work hard
at not focusing on this and
not having anger.
i need to just focus on him
i just don't know how
much longer i can do it.
it is physically and mentally draining.
it wears me out to no end.

i miss my daddy

Dream on.

I've had a recurring dream lately.
It is my dad coming to me.
He is himself.
It is very strage. 
It is starting to kind of piss me off!
I am unsure if I like it or not.
But I do know that the dreams
are very vivid.
I remember them clearly.
Last night I dreamt that he was
in the hospital.  When I got there,
I walked in the room and he said,
"Katie"
Just like he used to.
I would imagine these dreams to
be the same or similar to
when a loved one dies. 
You hear stories of how they
come to you in dreams.
Only difference is that he is still
alive.

i miss my daddy

i have two topics today.
1) Memories
2)Mean girl

1)  So last night Tyler started pulling out pictures for his graduation video.  We came across a bunch of pics of my dad with him and also with the other grandkids.  It was very sad and somewhat depressing yet somewhat warm feelings moved through me.  Although at times i may claim to not have had the best childhood, i do believe in my heart and soul that my dad did the best he could.  I believe that he loved each and every one of us more than we will ever know.  I heard a song on the radio yesterday called, "a father's love.  It was about a father who didn't know how to express his love verbally so he did it in his actions.  This was my dad.  Fixing a car, painting a house and even babysitting my kids! I think he loved to babysit the kids.  And he was good at it.  I wish I had more pictures of my kids when they were young with my dad.....

2) Why am I such a mean girl towards my mother?  Do I have underlying anger that I am holding against her?  Probably.  I'm not sitting here stewing about it or anything but I must.  I feel so bad that I'm so mean to her.  I just can't stop or help it.  I need to stop being like this because my time with her is limited.  She is pushing 80 years old.  She is a granny on the go and is in great shape which I'm greatful for.  There are people in my situation that are caring for BOTH parents.  Not ready to deal with that...  I must attempt to be a nicer daughter to her.  We just butt heads.  Oh, how I hope it's not because we are so much alike.. yikes!  I will strive hard to be a better person.  Calm/relaxed around my mother.   This is NOT her fault.

i miss my daddy

it sucks to get old.
my new life quote
"live hard, die young"
not too young..
just before i get
cursed with this
god-forsaken
diseasease!
my kids think i
am crazy.  and
maybe i am...
but i do NOT want
to  live like that.
my dad would be
so pissed to know
that he is living
like this.
pissed.....

i miss my daddy

how can it be that we go from
things being absolutely fabulous...
to things being absolutely horrible...
in a spilt second????
why is this disease so dang confusing?
if it was easy to deal with i guess it
wouldn't be the terminal, heart-wrenching
disease that it is.
i wish i could figure it out, but i know
that i can't nor will i ever be able to.
all we can do is strive to make him
be happy and content.  at this point,
that is all we want for him....
happiness
contentment
is that too much to ask???
i am attempting to enjoy what
i have left of him but it gets harder
and harder everyday.  i will not change.
i will continue to do what i do.
i need to find some faith though.
i think i have lost it.
maybe faith will help me pull through
this and not be so angry??
maybe.......

i miss my daddy

Words were spoken.......

Most of the time the words
don't make much sense....
But when they do, it can
break your heart.
Yesteday I was walking
my dad down the hallway,
holding his hand and telling
him my name and that I  am
his daughter. I always do this.
We got to our destination at
I sat down and started getting
some music ready to play.
He stood up above me and
looked out the window.
He suddlenly spoke:

"Ya got 8 of 'em, ya hear that?
But there's just you.  There is
none of them left.  Ya hear that?"

Now to some this may not mean
much.  But to me, it spoke
loud and clear.  I interpreted
this to be his way of attemping to
communicate that he is in there.
That he knows that his kids
are not around. He knows it
is primarily me that is up there with him.
I do not mean to slam on my
family but WOW, this was insane to me.
It freaks me out.
It breaks my heart.

i miss my daddy

April 26 was
so over medicated.
May 6th, seems better.
He is much more alert
lately and actually still
very happy.
I met with the Dr. and
we discussed the meds.
We determined to leave
them as is for now although
she said if he has more bouts
with sadness we may want
to put him on an anti-depressant.
We will just wait and see
how he does.
Yesterday he had another
pass out episode. They were
able to get it under
control without calling 911
which was great. 
It is not good for him to
have to ride in the ambulance
and go to the hospital only
to find there is nothing
wrong with him.  It causes
much un-needed stress.
Last night was precious.
I was there at bedtime and
tucked him into bed. He
just has been looking at
me as though to say with his
eyes, "i know who you are, I
just can't tell you"
It has been joyous yet
very overly emotional for me.
Sometimes I think it was
better when he didn't
look me in the eye. Although,
I do love that he seems
to recognize me and also
the love I feel from the brown
eyes staring at me is so
lovely! And the smiles are
heart-warming.

i miss my daddy

OH Happy Day!!

Saturday was the best day in months!
I took this picture at the end of our visit
after we tucked Pops into bed for a little
siesta.  He was extremely happy the whole
day!  Leah came with me so that might have
helped!  He sure does love her the most.
Which I love to see! Any glimpse of reality
I see from him is such a joy.  He looked at
both of us and just stared at our faces and
smiled. As though he recognized us but
couldn't say as much. I was feeling so good
about our visit Saturday and couldn't wait
to get back on Sunday. He was great again
on Sunday! Not as great, but still pretty darn
good! It has been a refreshing change.  I
may go tonight or wait til tomorrow. I hope
this happy mood continues.  Although, I remain
a realist and know the ups and downs of this
terrible disease.

i miss my daddy