Today is pop's birthday!
79
We had a small pizza
party for him yesterday.
It was fun. I think he
enjoyed himself. It is hard
to tell but I think he did.
Maybe a bit overwhelming
but overall, he seemed happy.
Ryan brought the girls and
so he seemed to like them.
Alissa came also with Riley
and Dylan. He didn't seem
very interested in the baby
but did look at him.
He just does not know the
meaning of words so when I
say, "this is your great-grandson",
he has no clue.
It continues to be the saddest,
most painful thing I have had
to go through in my life.
Last week I started feeling sick.
Bob thinks I'm having anxiety
attacks. I am not feeling
overly stressed or anxious.
I just think it is soo much to
deal with and so it must cause
some health problems. I am
trying hard to be aware of this
and step back when I feel it happening.
Take time for myself. I am
hoping we are going out of town this
weekend so that will be HUGE for me..
I cannot wait. It will be terribly sad
at the cabin again knowing that
he will not be there anymore but
it is life, and i just must deal with it.

i miss my daddy

Today I must write about
anger.
I strive everyday not to
have it. It is so hard though.
Why am I angry?
I am angry at irresponsible
and selfish people who
only have time for themselves
and what THEY want to do.
While I make time to do things
I don't necesarily want to be doing,
others are off galavanting and
having themselves a good ole time.
It makes no sense to me.
I try, try, try everyday not
to let it get to me but ya know what...
IT PISSES ME OFF.............
Who are you people and what
have you done with my family?
I've come to realize the family
I thought I had, I don't.
I do not know my siblings.
They have disappointed me beyond
repair and the sad thing is,
they have NO idea. How hard is
it to take 2 hours a week to go
see your father? The one who gave
you life. The one who put a roof
over your head? WOW, it is really
tough isn't it? Do they think I
WANT to be there, sitting in a
memory care unit helping my 79
year old dad eat?? Helping him
shower and dress?? YEAH, that
is what I want to be doing........
HELL NO.. I want my dad back..
I want to be able to talk to him
and hang out with him. Have him
take me for boat rides on Farm,
bring him a St. Pauli Girl beer and
have him drink with me, get up in
the morning and drink coffee and
read the paper with him, go for walks
in the woods with him and on and on...
but I can't.. This is what I get now...
And I'll take it...........
I'll continue to go to be with him
every other day at a minimum.
Because it is WHAT YOU DO.
Oh, and don't even get me started
on my nieces and nephews......

i miss my daddy