Vacation this week---
I am feeling indifferent about it
Last time I didn't see Papa I
felt like he forgot who I was
Plus the guilt will just take me
over whether I want it to or not.
It just does
I will work hard at relaxing
and forgetting about life
for awhile.

I talked to Marcia today--
her mom had another stroke
yesterday and is in hospice.
I feel horrible for her.
She also was on her first
vacation in years when it happened.
That sucks.  She only has days.
Marcia's heart is breaking.
She is such an awesome woman
and such a great inspriation to me.

Nettie came to see Papa with me
on Saturday.  I find it very interesting
that my BFF wanted to come to visit
him and I think actually enjoyed herself,
as much as you can enjoy it....
She came for me, but also for him.
SHe has known him for 35 years.
He introduced her to hockey!
Some of my relatives haven't even
been to visit him, and now my friend
came. 
It's pathetic

i miss my daddy

Pops and me !

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I love this picture of Papa and I. It was taken the very last time he was at the cabin.
It is a nice picture but possibly one of the worst weekends of my life :(

Good times

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Originally uploaded by jensen/rice

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Originally uploaded by jensen/rice

oh another day...
i'm exhausted physically
mentally, emotionally.
drained
todays struggles are my
feeling so alone and
knowing that there are so
few people around me who
truly GET what i'm going through
my daughter gets it for sure
but I wonder at times if
she thinks I'm crazy.
Some days I wonder if I
am crazy. Maybe I should
be like the rest of them
and stay away....
not give a shit.....
Is that my answer for peace?
NO.
It is not who I am.
I'm a nurturer. I care.
I honor thy father and mother.
I'd love to pretend this is
not happening, that would
be pretty great. But it is
not realistic. It would be
hiding from the truth.
Do they think that I enjoy
this???
Do they think that I have
no where else to be?
Do they think that I have
nothing better to do with my time?
I wonder......
I'll never know because I
don't think I will ever address it.
I will continue to do what I need to
do for myself. The anger and guilt
remain, neverending I've decided.
i miss my daddy

i'm just so overwhelmed
lately .
so unsure that i want to
keep doing this
but i don't have a choice.
this is our life now.
this is what we have to do.
i feel soo terrible for my dad..
the guilt of not being able to
do anything is really starting
to wear on me.
am i over compensating for that
by trying to be there so much?
i don't think so
i need to be there, regardless.
it is just what you do.
today he hit me in the face
it was sad
i felt so horrible for HIM
not for me..
he would be so sad if he
knew what he was doing to us
he would be devastated.
the hardest part for me is
that there is no light at the
end of the tunnel.
there is no hope
only to get worse and then
death

i miss my daddy

ughh.
here i go again, not posting in almost
one month!
time just gets away from us.
pops is doing ok.
we had several great days
followed by one horrible day.
for the most part he is pretty happy.
sat. was a miserable day.
he finally got up out of the bed and
ate and ate and ate and ate and ate.
made me feel sooo bad.
he doesn't eat very well on a
daily basis.
i guess it catches up with you.
he was overly tired and almost
lethargic on this day. after eating
he just passed out again.
sad.

i continue to work hard at my
feelings of resentment toward
family members. i continue to
remind myself that i'm only responsible
for my own actions.
i continue to remember the man
that this was and the effect he
has had on my life. it is because
of this that i have committed myself
to caring for him. he LOVES me.
i can see it in his eyes and his
SMILE!
i cherish and hold on to each and every
SMILE
that i get.
The relationship we have now is
so very different yet in ways,
so very rewarding for me.
such a wonderful man and father...
he deserves to have me there for him.

i miss my daddy