Selfish people make me angry

I will never understand why
it is so difficult for people to
do things that might make
them a little sad or uncomfortable.
What is the big deal?
It is life people.
Buck up---
Things happen that will
upset you, scare you,
make you want to crawl into
a hole and never come out.
But guess what???
This is life!!
Things happen........
Deal with your issues.
Don't run and hide from them.
Maybe my people aren't "selfish"
so much but that is how they appear.
And it is really starting to piss me off.
I guess starting isn't the right word
because I've been pissed off for
a long time now!
Since we had to put him somewhere.
Why does it seem like I'm the only
one who truly gets it and gives a shit?
It is so disappointing.
I receive so much joy from my visits.
Others could too if they would
give it a chance.  But instead they
have chosen to walk away...
Just walk away from their father, grand-father.
I would say great grand-father also,
but these poor children will never
get a chance to know the man he was.
I wonder if I would be bringing my
toddler up to see him if things were
different.  YES.  I would.
Yesterday Pops got to enjoy the fun
of small children with someone elses
family.  At least he got that.  Otherwise
all he has is me...1 son now and then
and 1 daughter now and then...
2 grandkids (MINE) that come when
they can. 
whewwwww
i think i feel a bit better :)

i miss my daddy

Things are really going well
at the Wellstead.  Pops
seems to be adjusting really well.
I spoke with Josh while I was
there last night and he is happy
with the quick adjustment Pops
has made.  This made me feel really
good.  He also said that he is not
doing anything that they are not
used to dealing with. Just typical
behaviors for this disease.  I cannot
believe how bad the other place
was.  I sent letters off last week
to upper management. I wonder
if we will hear anything.  It is so
sad and disappointing to know that
this lack of care is happening. It became
so very clear once he was in a place
where they actually care for him.
Oh well, we are not looking back.
I am trying to let go of the guilt I feel.
I don't think it will ever fully go away.
You have guilt always about am I going
enough, is he happy, are they taking
good care of him....it is never ending.
I sure do feel better about the new place
and you sure do feel much more at ease
about not having to go every single day.
I will continue to go very often but
will not stress myself out if I can't make
it one day.  I sure wish family members
would go once in awhile.  I know he
feels anger and abandonment from them.
I can see it in his face and his actions if
I bring people up.  So now I just don't
talk about anyone except the people that
go up there. Leah, Tyler, Donna and Tom.
Pathetic really...........

i miss my daddy

Feel the LOVE!

Last night the best thing happened.
I decided to go visit Pops a little later, 7ish.
Just was going to run in and check on him.
I got there and he was in his room in a pair
of boxers and a T-shirt which right away
made me happy because he had been wearing
his "suits" the last few times I'd been there.
I sat next to him as he was watching an old
western on the TV.  His demeanor was
very calm and relaxed, even happy.
We chatted a bit, I scratched his head
and back.  He tapped his hand on his
leg in beat with the piano music coming
from the television.
When I got ready to leave, I bent over and
was talking to him.  I told him I was leaving.
He said a few words. I said, "Do you know my name"?
He said, "Uh huh", which is a normal response.
So I said, "look at my pretty face! I'm your
daughter, Katie!" He took my arms in his and
rubbed them gently, then took my face in his
hands and just looked at me smiling!!!!!!
It was a wonderful moment for me.
I immediately lost it.  It was so touching.
At that very moment I felt a father's love like none I have ever felt!

i miss my daddy
.......but i sure felt him last night

i'm so very happy that pops
is doing so great at the new place.
i know our saying is 'don't look back,
only look ahead' but i sure do feel
guilty for keeping in that hell hole
as long as we did.
i was the stubborn one who
thought the transition would be too
hard and i didn't think the benefits
would be that great.  boy, was i wrong.
he just seems so much better there.
happy even. 
they say he is great. friendly, nice.
he's not striking out at them and he
is letting them take care of him.
i will just look ahead and try not
to have the guilt.  it takes away
from my positive attitude which then
takes away from my proper caring....
i miss my daddy

Less than 3 years ago......

sept visit 080
Originally uploaded by jensen/rice

This photo was taken at my nephew's wedding in September of 2007. I just can't help but think that this was the last fun, enjoyable family event we had with my dad. He was really quite good at this event and he had such a great time as you can see from this picture! I'm so glad we have this memory.

i miss my daddy

"Lead Me"

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”




I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...




“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”




I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
i'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're in independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...




“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”




So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?


To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up
I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone


Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

This picture was taken last year just prior to us having to put Pops into a home.  It makes me feel very sad to look at it because it was the last time he was home.

I went to the Wellstead last night for the 2nd time.  It seems really great.  He seems as though he's being cared for.  He was happy and talkative and in a pretty good mood.  Some weird things happened but nothing really bad.  He does have some bruising but I guess my feeling is that if he is happy and being cared for, well , I guess we can live with the bruising.  I would guess sometimes they have to touch him to take care of him.  We had a nice visit.  He was eerily "there" last night also.  He said things like, "when are we getting out of here".  He pointed outside the gates and said, "I want to go out there".  Sometimes these things are comforting and other times they are heart-wrenching.  Mostly it's the latter.

I miss my daddy