The guilt of being away

i wish i didn't feel the guilt
that i do...
whether it is just being away
from my dad for a few days or
taking a full week break.
i'm leaving in 2 days for Mexico
for 1 week...
I feel horrible about leaving
for so long but also need the break.
then the guilt sets in regarding
my mother too...
ugh.. guilt is a bad feeling.
i wonder why i have it...
i always here the phrase,
"catholic guilt"..
i don't know what that means
exactly but i wonder if i have it!
i am not a practicing catholic,
but i was raised catholic.
i will try to rid myself of the guilt
and have a good time..
i am worth it and i deserve it...

i miss my daddy

A conversation like no other....

Last evening I had the pleasure of  speaking
with a very strong and couragous woman.
Her name is Colleen and she is a wife whose
husband is in the same unit as my dad.
Her husband is young...not yet 60 I believe.
He has a cognitive impairment known as
frontal lobe dementia.  What a story she has.
Just when you think you've heard it all or
just when you think YOU'VE got it so bad....
someone comes along with a story that makes
you think... a story that makes you take a step
back and look at your life and your situation.
We are to be grateful that we had our Pops as
long as we did. 
We are to be grateful that we were able to find
this home for him and that is so wonderful.
We are to be grateful that Pops was able to
know and love his grandchildren.
We have much to be grateful for.
Sometimes it just takes someone elses story
to make us remember.
I feel honored to have been able to speak with
her and to share a part of my story with her.
A very smart, strong and corageous woman.
Wow....I was very impressed by her.


i miss my daddy

I have a feeling that the physical aspect of
my dad is dwindling away.
On Saturday when we got there for supper,
he was walking out of his room, escorted by
2 staff.  He could hardly stand up, much less walk.
It was so terribly sad to see.
It's like you know that this is coming,
but to see it is heart wrenching.
He was doing the "old man shuffle"
His head was down, his back slummped
over and his feet shuffling.  I felt as though
they were pulling him along and perhaps he
didn't know to move his feet.  Hard to say.
Once seated, he did eat really well and even
smiled at us and seemed alert and happy.
I am sure that a wheelchair is in our future.
Funny how I am much better at rolling with
things now.  Before this would've devastated
me.  But now I am feeling that  this is just
the progression that will happen.  There is
nothing I can do about it and it is out of my
control. 

i miss my daddy

Kisses!!!

What a fun visit we had on NYE!
Leah, Tyler, Kelsey & I went to
hang out with Pops just after lunch.
He was in a pretty good mood.
We got him some puppy chow and
placed him in his chair.  He
looked at each one of us intently.
He "worked the room" with his eyes.
Sometimes giving us an eerie stare.
It never bothers me.  Sometimes I
feel like it pierces right through
me, but it doesn't bother me!
Leah was standing next to him and
he took her hand.  He "shook" her hand
for what seemed like forever.  His
"shaking" of hands is really a nice
gesture that I think means, "THANK YOU".
It feels strongly of love to me. I believe
this is a way to show expression.  Since
he cannot express verbally.
He then pulled her hand up to his face
and at first I was afraid he would bite her.
But he started kissing her hand!! Like
crazy! Kiss, kiss, kiss!!! It was adorable.
SO loving and again, an expression
of gratitude and love and kindness.
I know he knows that it is US and I know
he knows that we come to see him.
When we were getting ready to leave I
walked up to him and held out my hand.
He held up his finger as if to motion,
"come here". I leaned down hoping he wasn't
angry.  He pulled me in and kissed my cheek!!
I love my dad so much.  And I miss him
more than I can ever express. This disease
sucks.  I hate it. It also is tearing
apart our family, one member at a time.

i miss my daddy