Yesterday TJ, Roxxie and I went
to visit Pops. He was in the bed
when we got there, just laying
there listening to music, not sleeping.
He grinned from ear to ear upon
seeing us as he usually does.
I checked the room out like
I usually do. Everything seemed
in order with the exception
of two photographs that were
on the back of the toilet.
One picture was of me, Leah and
Tyler and the other one was
of Roxxie. This struck me as
very odd yet also made me
think alot. Does he look at
those pictures and recognize us?
Did he pull them out because he
thought they WERE us? This
has happened in the past.
Sometimes he cannot
distinguish between a photo
and reality. It is extremely
heartbreaking. Finding those
photos on the back of the toilet
of me and my family and my dog
made me wonder if he misses us.
Like he tore them out and carried
them around with him. I
struggle everyday with guilt.
I realize more and more each
day how this is wearing on me
to my very core. I try not to let it
but I know that it does. I have
changed. He is gone. Life is
completely different. I deal with it.
I carry on. I have a heavy heart
every single day of my life.
Happiness and fun is much
more difficult to achieve.

i miss my daddy