Whenever i think how bad things
are and how bad i have it with my
dad, something happens to bring me
back to the reality that it can always be
worse.
I found out last night that Jim died.
I blogged eariler about his wife Colleen
and a conversation we had a few months ago.
Jim had Frontaltemporal Dementia and was
FIFTY-SEVEN.
Unbelievable.
THIS is one sad disease.
It strips you of all that you are...I believe
he started with symptoms before turning
fifty.  Probably one of the saddest stories
I have heard about in a very long time.
My heart goes out to Colleen today and her
family.  And as sad as it is that Jim is gone,
he is in a much better place and it is probably
such a weight lifted off of that families shoulders.
Colleen is probably one of the strongest
women I have ever met in my journey with
mental health issues.
My God bless her and let their family find
peace.

i miss my daddy

Jipped

i just haven't felt like writing about
ad
lately....
i'm tired of it.
tired of dealing with it.
tired of talking about it.
tired of being robbed by it.
tired of reading about it.
tired of studying up on it.
tired of how it affects me.
tired of how it affects my family.
super tired of how it does NOT affect my family.
JUST PLAIN TIRED.......
Leah said to me last week,
"Do you ever feel jipped?"
YES
every single day.
it sucks. 
robbed of your father.
robbed of your grand-father.
robbed of your great-grandfather.
Jipped
is a good word for it.
I feel terribly sad and extremely mad.
I will try hard to express my feelings
more on this blog to make myself feel better.
That is why I started this, to vent....
to no one in particular...just to vent.
I hate this disease. 

I miss my daddy

The big EIGHT-O!

 Me, Pops and Leah on his 80th Birthday.

Pop's 80th birthday was on February 8th.  It was a bittersweet day just as most days are.

We did not make any real plans.  My mom and sister were with him during the day.  Leah

and I decided to pick up pizza and cupcakes and go up for dinner.  He was in an outstanding mood.

It was really nice to see this because he had been sick.  Donna mentioned that Ryan, Bethany and Olivia

may be coming by to give Pops a Birthday greeting.  I never heard from anyone else.  So Leah and I got there and set up our table and helped Pops with his dinner.  Then Ryan texted and said they were on

their way.  We waited for them to sing and do the cupcakes because we thought Olivia may enjoy this.

When Olivia walked in she marched right up to Pops, pointed her finger and then started waving saying, "PAPA, PAPA, PAPA, PAPA".  It was the sweetest cutest thing ever!  He loved her and she loved him right back which was so refreshing and nice to see.  She was not scared of him in the least. 

They were absolutely precious together and it brought a tear to my eye.  My dad has always LOVED children.  He really loved his grandchildren so much.  He also was very proud of them all.  So to be able to see my dad with his great-grandaughter, interacting and enjoying her company was HUGE.  We were the only ones in the family to show up that night........But little Olivia and her sweet face made it all ok.  I sure hope that they will bring her up there again.  It may not go as well as it did that night but it is really good for Papa and also for her. 

Pops can't walk unassisted anymore so Ryan and I were helping him to his room at the end of the night.  Oliva came running up and holding out here hand.  We figured out that SHE wanted to help Papa walk to his room too!!!  Here is a picture of that!

i miss my daddy

The guilt of being away

i wish i didn't feel the guilt
that i do...
whether it is just being away
from my dad for a few days or
taking a full week break.
i'm leaving in 2 days for Mexico
for 1 week...
I feel horrible about leaving
for so long but also need the break.
then the guilt sets in regarding
my mother too...
ugh.. guilt is a bad feeling.
i wonder why i have it...
i always here the phrase,
"catholic guilt"..
i don't know what that means
exactly but i wonder if i have it!
i am not a practicing catholic,
but i was raised catholic.
i will try to rid myself of the guilt
and have a good time..
i am worth it and i deserve it...

i miss my daddy

A conversation like no other....

Last evening I had the pleasure of  speaking
with a very strong and couragous woman.
Her name is Colleen and she is a wife whose
husband is in the same unit as my dad.
Her husband is young...not yet 60 I believe.
He has a cognitive impairment known as
frontal lobe dementia.  What a story she has.
Just when you think you've heard it all or
just when you think YOU'VE got it so bad....
someone comes along with a story that makes
you think... a story that makes you take a step
back and look at your life and your situation.
We are to be grateful that we had our Pops as
long as we did. 
We are to be grateful that we were able to find
this home for him and that is so wonderful.
We are to be grateful that Pops was able to
know and love his grandchildren.
We have much to be grateful for.
Sometimes it just takes someone elses story
to make us remember.
I feel honored to have been able to speak with
her and to share a part of my story with her.
A very smart, strong and corageous woman.
Wow....I was very impressed by her.


i miss my daddy

I have a feeling that the physical aspect of
my dad is dwindling away.
On Saturday when we got there for supper,
he was walking out of his room, escorted by
2 staff.  He could hardly stand up, much less walk.
It was so terribly sad to see.
It's like you know that this is coming,
but to see it is heart wrenching.
He was doing the "old man shuffle"
His head was down, his back slummped
over and his feet shuffling.  I felt as though
they were pulling him along and perhaps he
didn't know to move his feet.  Hard to say.
Once seated, he did eat really well and even
smiled at us and seemed alert and happy.
I am sure that a wheelchair is in our future.
Funny how I am much better at rolling with
things now.  Before this would've devastated
me.  But now I am feeling that  this is just
the progression that will happen.  There is
nothing I can do about it and it is out of my
control. 

i miss my daddy

Kisses!!!

What a fun visit we had on NYE!
Leah, Tyler, Kelsey & I went to
hang out with Pops just after lunch.
He was in a pretty good mood.
We got him some puppy chow and
placed him in his chair.  He
looked at each one of us intently.
He "worked the room" with his eyes.
Sometimes giving us an eerie stare.
It never bothers me.  Sometimes I
feel like it pierces right through
me, but it doesn't bother me!
Leah was standing next to him and
he took her hand.  He "shook" her hand
for what seemed like forever.  His
"shaking" of hands is really a nice
gesture that I think means, "THANK YOU".
It feels strongly of love to me. I believe
this is a way to show expression.  Since
he cannot express verbally.
He then pulled her hand up to his face
and at first I was afraid he would bite her.
But he started kissing her hand!! Like
crazy! Kiss, kiss, kiss!!! It was adorable.
SO loving and again, an expression
of gratitude and love and kindness.
I know he knows that it is US and I know
he knows that we come to see him.
When we were getting ready to leave I
walked up to him and held out my hand.
He held up his finger as if to motion,
"come here". I leaned down hoping he wasn't
angry.  He pulled me in and kissed my cheek!!
I love my dad so much.  And I miss him
more than I can ever express. This disease
sucks.  I hate it. It also is tearing
apart our family, one member at a time.

i miss my daddy