A big weekend!

This weekend is the big
Walk to end Alzheimer's.
We should have about 20
people walking with us and
we have raised just under
$4,000!!
We are very excited about this.
When you have a family member
that has Alzheimer's, you mostly
feel useless and helpless.
By doing this walk and earning
money, it is a way to do good and
to give something back.
I have utilized the services of
the Alzheimer's Association
several times and it is truly
a great organization that helps
people/caregivers in their time of need.
I still feel bad about most of my
family members and their lack
of interest in helping us.
But I am learning to let go of 
all of the anger that has built up.
Which is huge!
I'm realizing there is nothing to
be angry about.
This is on their shoulders, not mine.
I do all I can do.
I also come to realize that I don't
think it's that they don't "want"
to help.  It's more that they
don't know "how" to help.  
And also that they are scared.
They hate the thought of Pops
with this disease and they just
don't know how to deal.
Someone once said to me, 
"Katie, you are the chosen one"
I've had to think about this alot
but I think I get it now.
I'm the one chosen to be able
to deal with it.
I'm the one chosen to able 
to handle it.
I'm the one chosen to stay
close to my dad.
I'm the one chosen to be able
to make decisons regarding
his cares and his life.
I'm glad I'm the chosen one.
I can't imagine having it any
other way.

i miss my daddy

Two months???

It's been two months since
I posted???
What the heck.
Time sure does fly.
The summer absolutly flew
by.  Just in the blink of an eye.
Things are very stable with Pops.
Last night was a wonderful
visit for Leah and I.
I was so happy to see Pops
smile and enjoy himself.
I know he's in there and I
know he knows who we are.
I don't care what anyone else
says about it.  I don't think anyone
else spends enough time with him
to witness it, but when you are there
for hours like us, you will see it.
It's in his eyes.  He stares at us.
Deep stares, deep into our souls.
Sometimes eery.  Mostly happy though.
He reaches for my hand and wants to hold it.
He watches my every move and keeps his eye on me.
When i sing to him he laughs!
He brings me so much joy.  I mean don't get
me wrong, I want my dad back bad.
But ya know, I will take what we got last
night and love it.  Considering this disease
and what it does to people.........
I'll take it :)

i miss my daddy

Sometimes I just don't feel like
writing about this situation.
It has been a month since I've
written.  I want to remember some things
but I want to forget most.
I guess that is why it is so sporatic.
Things continue to move along....
slowly
no realy progress either way,
good or bad..
just maintaining.

Last night we visited later in the evening.
Pops was in a really good mood.  Overjoyed
to see us.  Makes me feel really bad that
the summers are just so busy and I just
can't get there as often as I would like to.
But what can you do....only so much.
When I was getting ready to leave,
I bent over and kissed his head like I always
do.  His eyes got huge and he reached for
my hand.  He brought it to his lips and kissed
my hand and just looked at me.  It was so
precious and sad at the same time.
Leah and Tyler were both there to witness it
which made me happy.  They need to see these
moments of lucidity. 

On another note, I have a friend going through
issues with her dad.  She said to me, 'i want to
go out of town this weekend but i don't want to
leave everything on my sister'  WOW  what a
concept.  I wish someone would consider that
for me.  ha.  That will never happen. 

i miss my daddy

I think I am trying hard to not be angry
at certain family members.
But am I ?
I guess I am not sure..
Why do I feel so much anger and
resentment if I'm trying hard not to
feel it?
It is a very weird thing.
I cannot quite explain it.
Maybe it is that I WANT to try hard.
I get so angry over things I hear.
Like this----
Brother speaking to my mother:
Brother: "Who is going to the cabin this weekend?"
Mother: "Nobody"
Brother: "OH, GREAT, we will go up there then, man is (wife)
going to love this!!!"
ME:  REALLY YOU A-HOLE?? Are you Fing kidding me??????
This particual brother has not done SHIT for
this family during our time of crisis. 
I am so sick of people coming around for fun and games
and then disappearing during important times of need.
It's not fair and it is rude and selfish and totally
and completly uncalled for.
I wish my mom would let him/them have it but
I guess I can't blame her. She is 79 years old
and has always been a peace maker.
OH and then the brother has the nerve to
say that he will stop by to see Pops on Sunday since
it's Father's Day.
You know what, GO AWAY.
STFU you big jerk

LOL
I don't think my anger has subsided at all!!!
I remind myself,
I'm only responsible for my own actions.
I have no control over other people and their actions.
My dad would be appalled at their behavior.

i miss my daddy

Tyler in charge!

Me, Leah, Annie and Donna all
left town last weekend to go and meet
the newest member of our family,
Miss Addison Grace. 
Upon planning this trip I was really
worried about who would be there for
Pops.
When I realized that Tyler would be
home from college when we left
I felt a sigh of relief.
I knew that he would be the one that
would be in charge while we were gone.
Sad but true that a 19 year old barely adult
is the one that I would put in charge of my 80
year old ailing father.
With 5 other siblings to choose from wouldn't
you think......
NOPE!
I pick Tyler.
He has always loved his Papa so much and they
were always the best of buddies.  Memories
of early morning walks and trips to the Aitkin
bakery are I'm sure vivid in Tyler's mind.
He spent quite a bit of one on one time with
Papa and the love and respect he has for him
shows.
I'm so proud of Tyler and the awesome young
man he has become.
I know that both my kids would not have
things any other way when it comes to caring
for their Papa. 
Their only wish would be to rid him of this terrible
disease.

i miss my daddy

Well, it is funny how things can
change in such a short time.
my last post stated that things
seemed to have stabilized and
that the meds seemed ok.
Well that has changed drastically.
We have several days of complete
un-responsivness..
Head down, mouth hanging open,
drool coming out, unable to walk...
So the Dr. decided last weekend to cut
the Seroquel out and see what happens.\
He came back to life!
On Sunday he was walking around like crazy.
ALong with this good of course must
come some bad.
The aggesive behavior and the
combativeness seems to have also
come back to life.  I feel horrible
about this.  It just seems that you
can't have one without the other.
It is so stressful and sad.
We will continue to work to find
a happy medium. 
We have increased his Depakote for now.
The Dr. agrees that Seroquel is not he right
medication for Pops.  We will try other options.
Also, he fell yesterday and has a large bruise
on his back and also a very bruised toe. 
Poor guy....

i miss my daddy

things are pretty OK lately.
certainly not wonderful but
pretty darn OK.
I'll take it :)
the meds have seemed to
stabilize which is huge.
met w/the Dr. and he was
super nice and informative.
had a couple of really nice
 days with speaking and
smiles....
what more could one want
when dealing with this disease?
yesterday I said, "Hey Pops, do
you know my name today?"
He looked right at me and said,
"Today"!!!!!!
Must keep the humor!