I think I am trying hard to not be angry
at certain family members.
But am I ?
I guess I am not sure..
Why do I feel so much anger and
resentment if I'm trying hard not to
feel it?
It is a very weird thing.
I cannot quite explain it.
Maybe it is that I WANT to try hard.
I get so angry over things I hear.
Like this----
Brother speaking to my mother:
Brother: "Who is going to the cabin this weekend?"
Mother: "Nobody"
Brother: "OH, GREAT, we will go up there then, man is (wife)
going to love this!!!"
ME:  REALLY YOU A-HOLE?? Are you Fing kidding me??????
This particual brother has not done SHIT for
this family during our time of crisis. 
I am so sick of people coming around for fun and games
and then disappearing during important times of need.
It's not fair and it is rude and selfish and totally
and completly uncalled for.
I wish my mom would let him/them have it but
I guess I can't blame her. She is 79 years old
and has always been a peace maker.
OH and then the brother has the nerve to
say that he will stop by to see Pops on Sunday since
it's Father's Day.
You know what, GO AWAY.
STFU you big jerk

LOL
I don't think my anger has subsided at all!!!
I remind myself,
I'm only responsible for my own actions.
I have no control over other people and their actions.
My dad would be appalled at their behavior.

i miss my daddy

Tyler in charge!

Me, Leah, Annie and Donna all
left town last weekend to go and meet
the newest member of our family,
Miss Addison Grace. 
Upon planning this trip I was really
worried about who would be there for
Pops.
When I realized that Tyler would be
home from college when we left
I felt a sigh of relief.
I knew that he would be the one that
would be in charge while we were gone.
Sad but true that a 19 year old barely adult
is the one that I would put in charge of my 80
year old ailing father.
With 5 other siblings to choose from wouldn't
you think......
NOPE!
I pick Tyler.
He has always loved his Papa so much and they
were always the best of buddies.  Memories
of early morning walks and trips to the Aitkin
bakery are I'm sure vivid in Tyler's mind.
He spent quite a bit of one on one time with
Papa and the love and respect he has for him
shows.
I'm so proud of Tyler and the awesome young
man he has become.
I know that both my kids would not have
things any other way when it comes to caring
for their Papa. 
Their only wish would be to rid him of this terrible
disease.

i miss my daddy

Well, it is funny how things can
change in such a short time.
my last post stated that things
seemed to have stabilized and
that the meds seemed ok.
Well that has changed drastically.
We have several days of complete
un-responsivness..
Head down, mouth hanging open,
drool coming out, unable to walk...
So the Dr. decided last weekend to cut
the Seroquel out and see what happens.\
He came back to life!
On Sunday he was walking around like crazy.
ALong with this good of course must
come some bad.
The aggesive behavior and the
combativeness seems to have also
come back to life.  I feel horrible
about this.  It just seems that you
can't have one without the other.
It is so stressful and sad.
We will continue to work to find
a happy medium. 
We have increased his Depakote for now.
The Dr. agrees that Seroquel is not he right
medication for Pops.  We will try other options.
Also, he fell yesterday and has a large bruise
on his back and also a very bruised toe. 
Poor guy....

i miss my daddy

things are pretty OK lately.
certainly not wonderful but
pretty darn OK.
I'll take it :)
the meds have seemed to
stabilize which is huge.
met w/the Dr. and he was
super nice and informative.
had a couple of really nice
 days with speaking and
smiles....
what more could one want
when dealing with this disease?
yesterday I said, "Hey Pops, do
you know my name today?"
He looked right at me and said,
"Today"!!!!!!
Must keep the humor!

i took these 2 pics when pops was off all mood altering

drugs and was the best we'd seen him in a very long time.

i'm glad i took these and i'm glad he was so happy on this day.

now they have put him back on a very low dose of meds but it

sure does make a difference.  i haven't seen him this happy ever

since.  not alot we can do about it.  they need to be able to handle

him.  this is what they feel they need to do.  so be it.  i hope to be

able to make a dr. appt. next week.  we will see.  he isn't too bad

but he sure is not as happy as he was in these pictures.

i have a busy weekend aheard and am feeling horrible about my

lack of time to be able to go visit.  i usually go tues, fri and once

on the weekend.  but this weekend is pretty booked.  i think leah

will be able to go which will help.  she is a very good visitor and

he LOVES her the best!

i miss my daddy

Random thoughts for a Friday

• My anger management is improving!
• They put Pops back on 2 doses of Seroquel. I'm trying to wait it out and see how it goes without being overly upset about it.
• Spring brings with it fresh outlooks on life.
• I can't wait to bring Pops outside when we visit this spring and summer.
• Leah and I want to take him to the DQ! We can walk there but would probably need to borrow a wheelchair for him because it's a little far!
• My children continue to amaze me each and everyday.
• Random people/strangers amaze me when they are genuinely interested in my life caring for someone with AD.
• I love it when people ask me how my dad is doing, even though it doesn't happen very often.
• I continue to be amazed by the kindness and love of strangers and the lack of it from my family........

i miss my daddy

Anger, what else!

"For every minute you are angry,
you lose sixty seconds of happiness"--Ralph Waldo Emerson


This quote hit me this morning.  I need to get over my
anger and start focusing on being happy.
I need to look for reasons to be happy.
I know that I can find them if I look.
There are many blessings around me and
around my dad and even around this horrible situation.
If I can allow myself to let go of the anger perhaps they will
become more vibrant in my daily life.
I have definitely been better lately. 
Not because things have changed,
because they really haven't..
But I think because I am letting go...
Letting go of the anger that has
been controlling me for a very long time....
It is important to be able to realize that
you have anger and it is even more
important to let it go.
I am working hard at it.
I am trying to follow my own words:
"I am only responsible for my own actions and not those of anyone else"
So much easier said than done.


i miss my daddy