He sure does love me!

Papa sure does love me!
He looks at me with his
brown eyes and they say it.
He can't say it, but his eyes speak.
Someone once told me that he
speaks with his eyes and i totally
see it.  It is wonderful.
Yesterday when I told him I was leaving
his eyes got huge.  I could tell he
didn't want me to leave but he
cannot express himself verbally.
I could see it in his eyes.  I told him
I would be back soon and that made him
happy.  I asked him for a kiss on the cheek
and he gave me one!!!
He sure does love me.

i miss my daddy

And...some days I just want to cry

Some days are so sad.
I just hate it.
The look on his face.
The actions.
I get so sad and depressed
about it.
I work hard at letting things
go.  Just try hard to roll with
things and let things go.
But somedays it is hard.
And some days I don't want
to let things go.
I have to deal with this.
It is my reality.
My dad is gone.
My dad is slowly dying
a miserable death.
Some days I see it.
He is forgetting how to eat.
He has no idea what food is.
If I hand him a candy bar,
he doesn't know what to
do with it. If I give him a glass
of rootbeer, he doesn't know
what to do with it.
What a terrible thing....
Food used to be one of the
few joys he had left in life
and now that is going away.
Music used to be one of the
few joys he had left and that
is also slowly going away.
He does seem to like the music
but I don't get the reaction I did
6-12 months ago.
I just wish I could hear him
sing one more time...

i miss my daddy

Somedays when I go see my dad
it seems as though he has no idea
who I am. 
And other days when I go see my dad
his face lights up and he smiles and
laughs when he looks at me!
Yesterday was one of those days!
I had been there for a couple of hours.
He had chatted with me, patted my leg,
held my hand and looked right at me.
But as I was getting ready to leave and
he was in his bed, he looked at me and
got a HUGE smile on his face and started
giggling.  He just kept doing it while he stared
at me! I went over closer to him and he
reached out for my hand.  I gave him my hand
and he shook it while smiling. In that moment,
he was so happy and so content.   I am so
glad that I am able to give that to him.
It is a funny thing to witness.....
But I would not trade it for anything.
It is so precious!!!
i love my daddy

i miss my daddy

My dad loved sports.
I love sports.
I never really realized it growing up
but he was teaching me to be a sports lover!
I clearly remember sitting in our living room
in Golden Valley watching our counsel TV and
him teaching me the game of
football!
I have been a fan ever since.
He brought me to 1 Vikings game at the
old Met Stadium.  I remember it clearly.
He brought be to alot of North Star games at
the old Met Center.  Including playoff hockey!
I LOVED the North Stars.
Those are some very fond memories I
have of my father that I just don't think of
very often.  He wasn't a man of many words.
In fact, he was fairly quiet....
But the words he spoke stuck with me.
He will be on my mind tonight as I go to
Target Field to watch playoff baseball.
He is on my mind now as I hear about
the Vikings getting Randy Moss again.
He would be LOVING sports in Minnesota right now.

i miss my daddy

Memory Walk 2010

Once again this year we did the Alzheimer's Memory Walk.  We had about 22 people walking this year which was great.  5 of us together raised over $3000 which I thought was amazing! Imagine how much we would raise if everyone raised money! WOW. Well, we are proud of ourselves for raising as much as we did. It was a rainy morning but it stopped as soon as we got there. It was a nice morning and we had a great walk.  After the walk we went to Papa's. We had pizza in the parlour and pretty much our whole group showed up.  It was awesome.  He was in a great mood and he was happy.  I could tell from the look on his face and from him eyes.  His emotions show alot though his eyes.  They were definitely happy eyes! He loved Olivia and Dylan.  It was truly a great day.


i miss my daddy

Wake me up, when September ends.

Not that there is anything terribly wrong with
September, it just has brought on a world
of changes in my life.
As I have matured, I have learned to grasp
change and run with it and accept it and
move on from it and to eventually love it.
But it takes me awhile.
I am a creature of habit.
It took me about two years to adjust to
being in our new home.  I wanted to go "home"
however, I was already there!
I learning as I go and trying hard to do a good job.
But dropping my youngest off at college has
been a change in my life like none other.
I never tried to let my kids define me or revolve
MY life around them.  I worked hard at having
my own life seperate from them and I thought
I did a pretty good job of it.
Now that I don't have kids at home, I'm starting
to wonder!  It is a quiet and lonely and even somewhat
sad environment.  I worked hard at raising those kids and
we had struggles like you wouldn't believe.
But we prevailed and they are happy and I am happy!
I should be so proud and happy for them, AND I AM!
But I still am somewhat sad and feeling the need
to have a pity party for myself.......
I should be very proud of myself for rising above and
defying all odds. Kids of divorced parents.....
kids of a deadbeat dad......kids raised by a single mom...
kids raised by a parent with only one income.......
YES, I am proud.
Proud of them
Pround of ME!
WE DID IT!
I have two very happy and grounded kids who are both
in college.
Well on their way to becoming something amazing.
I just need to be happy about it and stop feeling sorry
for myself.  This is not about me.  This is about them.
This is about their future and me acomplishing the goal
I set for myself.  Raising two super amazing kids.
I wish my dad knew how great they were doing......

i miss my daddy

i miss my daddy

that is it

i miss my daddy
:(