Missing an important man.

Labor Day came and went.
It's funny how the world just keeps
on going despite any issues you
have going on. Sickness, depression,
happiness, sadness, it just keeps on
a going. Nothing stops. Nothing waits.
People just keep going on about
their business. My world feels like
it has slowed down a bit. Even though
I'm busy as always, it just has a calm
sense of slowness in regards to my dad.
I was amazed when I looked at the calendar
today and realized it has only been 2.5 weeks.
Seems like forever.
Tyler and I went on Monday and Tuesday.
Both days he was in his room in the bed.
Monday dressed and attempting a nap.
And yesterday in bed for the night at 7pm
He flew out though when we walked in.
VERY glad to see us. Donna was there
during the day. He seems ok but it is
sure sad. There is an underlying look
that he is giving me that is trying to
say something. I am unsure what it is.
My kids have both commented on this
so I know it's not just me and I'm not going
crazy. He sure seems to know more now
than he has known in a very long time.
I feel like visiting him everyday because
of the joy I bring. I will attempt to do
this. It is hard, but I will try my best.
It is what you do for your parents.
I miss my daddy

Things are going
pretty good.
We are feeling pretty good about
how things are going with pops
at the new place.
He seems happy.
In fact, possibly more
happy than he seemed
before he went there.
He continues to laugh
and to sing and to
carry on when we go
to visit him. I feel like
we have a long road
ahead of us but I feel
quite optimisitic
about things. He is my
dad and I will be there
for him.
Others, not so much.
Thank God for my
daughter
who helps out so much.
And who he loves the most!
I'm so happy about that.
I'd rather have him know
my children than know me.
They miss their Papa.
I miss my daddy.

Today is the best
he will ever be again.
Someone said that to me.
I guess that is true.
This disease is progressive.
It only gets worse.
It doesn't get better.
We certainly can have
days that are better than
the last.
But today is the best he will
ever be again........

Monday was the day
She dropped him off.
I haven't heard
anything since then.
hmmmm
What to do..
I will see if she called
to check on him.
To see how his night
went. To see how his
day is going.
Otherwise, I will call
tomorrow. I will visit
on Thursday for music.
I feel sad
I feel sick to my stomach
My heart hurts
aches
devasted
I missy my daddy

I'd like to go away from here please
I wish I could just not think
about it for awhile
I don't think that is
possible for me
That is who I am
I care
I don't get the other
people
and why they don't care
I cannot understand
comprehend
or
fathom
it
Each to their own
At the end of the day
I will know I was there
I will know I've done all
I can

I miss my daddy

The time is now
We have found a place that
we all agree on and like
The fact that it is nice
doesn't help the fact
that I don't want to do this
We really don't have
any other option at this point
This is just the progression
that this disease is taking
I am NOT ready for it
I do NOT want to do it
I feel suddenly as though
I need to cram tons of things
into the last few days of
his life in the outside world
I know that I will be able to
take him out but I also know
that it will be different
Last night we have the 1st
evaluation by the RN and the
Occupational Therapist
I was supposed to be paying attention
to the RN who was talking
with my mom and I but
all I could do was listen
to my dad talk to the OT
He was actually talking
and listening and attempting
to answer questions
I listeted intently as his
brain searched for answers,
sometimes they came freely,
other times he never found them
Either way, he was happy and
he was talking and I was
enjoying hearing him speak
He doesn't know how many kids he has.....3 or 4
boys or girls? mostly girls, i guess
What city are you in? East Moline, IL
Holds up a picture of my mom, "is this your wife" No.
No recognition whatsoever
Points to a pen, what is this? no answer
Points to her ring, what is this? no answer
It was very sad
I miss my daddy

the days are getting longer
the moments are happening more
the time is coming
am i ready for it
no
is he ready for it
no
is she ready for it
yes
it will be ok
what choice do we have
none as far as i can see
i feel horrible
i feel sad
i feel mad
i feel hurt
he would feel all of
these things if he knew
he was causing this pain
i miss my daddy.

Last weekend Leah had 3 friends up to the cabin. Papa actually seemed to really like the girls. All 3 of them are very nice and for the most part, quiet...which is what he likes. He doesn't like heavy or loud people. Nothing against them, he just doesn't do well around people like this. Some people have figured this out and try hard to be much quieter around him....some have not. oh well...it's life.
The girls and I took Pops to the Aitkin Riverboat Days parade. He had a very nice time. There were a couple episodes but for the most part he enjoyed himself. When we got back we turned on the music and had a sing along and a dance party! He really had lots of fun doing this. He LOVES music, loves to dance. So uninhibited by anything. I love it! Just like a small child. My dad was never really shy so to speak, but not outgoing either. He did love to cut a rug back in the day and continues to!
Things are getting much tougher on my mom. Stories of hard times seem to be coming daily now rather than maybe once per week. This is not good. I try to wish it away but know that is not realistic. I feel bad for both of my parents. Find myself thinking back on the last 41 years of my life alot. Wondering, how in the hell did we get here???
Life is not fair.
I miss my daddy.