the days are getting longer
the moments are happening more
the time is coming
am i ready for it
no
is he ready for it
no
is she ready for it
yes
it will be ok
what choice do we have
none as far as i can see
i feel horrible
i feel sad
i feel mad
i feel hurt
he would feel all of
these things if he knew
he was causing this pain
i miss my daddy.

Last weekend Leah had 3 friends up to the cabin. Papa actually seemed to really like the girls. All 3 of them are very nice and for the most part, quiet...which is what he likes. He doesn't like heavy or loud people. Nothing against them, he just doesn't do well around people like this. Some people have figured this out and try hard to be much quieter around him....some have not. oh well...it's life.
The girls and I took Pops to the Aitkin Riverboat Days parade. He had a very nice time. There were a couple episodes but for the most part he enjoyed himself. When we got back we turned on the music and had a sing along and a dance party! He really had lots of fun doing this. He LOVES music, loves to dance. So uninhibited by anything. I love it! Just like a small child. My dad was never really shy so to speak, but not outgoing either. He did love to cut a rug back in the day and continues to!
Things are getting much tougher on my mom. Stories of hard times seem to be coming daily now rather than maybe once per week. This is not good. I try to wish it away but know that is not realistic. I feel bad for both of my parents. Find myself thinking back on the last 41 years of my life alot. Wondering, how in the hell did we get here???
Life is not fair.
I miss my daddy.

we had a good mood last night.

we LOVE good moods.

they seem to be few and far between

i make a point to try hard to

remember these good times.

a couple of weeks ago at the cabin,

just after he started taking a new medication, we

had a good day!

I was doing the dishes and my

dog was walking around the kitchen

getting in the way.

I looked directly at my dad, even though

he doesn't make eye contact very often,

and said,"dad, will you let roxxie outside?"

without a moments hesitation he said,

"which door should i use?" this was

HUGE.

He rarely responds to us anymore.

I pointed and told him, "the front".

He walked over to the door, opened it,

and the dog walked outside.

YES!

Something so small and what may

seem like no big deal was a HUGE

deal in my mind.

I felt like a super proud mother

of a toddler who had just followed

a direction! Sad, but true.

As our parent's age, the roles do reverse

and we become the adults and them the

children. Sometimes having to make

decisions for them based on them

not being able to. Again, sad but true.

wednesday.
on and on the complaining went
how do i deal with this?
i listen
i listen
i listen
on it goes
what to say
want to hang up
can't
need to be supportive
sometimes i don't want to
i block out many details
don't want to know
i am a realist
i know the truth
that doesn't mean i want to hear it
bad things are happening
bad things are to come
it can't get any better
it will only get worse
he would be devastated to know what has happened to him
i miss my daddy

need to see my daddy.
it has been 1.5 weeks.
even though he doesn't know me.
maybe tomorrow.

great pics taken
over the 4th of him
he was in a good mood
one afternoon so
we just started snapping
photos.
few and far between

i miss my daddy

That will never happen to me

That will never happen to me is something we all say.
I can remember looking at people who had
to care for their ageing parents and think,
that will never be me....
Well here I am.
The shell of my father sitting at the table.
Eating the lunch I just made him.
Not acknowledging me or looking at me.
Not saying my name or knowing who I am.
This IS my life now.
This IS my father now.
That DID happen to me.
Now I live with this pain called Alzheimer's haunting
my everyday.
My father would be so sad if he knew what was happening.
He would be devasted to know the pain this causes us.
He was and is a wonderful man.
But he is just a shell of my father.

The glove

Hmm
Why do I forget about this??
Back to my main reason....
Alzheimers.
I have picked Pops up the last two days in a row. 1st day, good mood, not so bad. Things went quite well. 2nd day, crabby, still went good but he wasn't as happy.
Which sucks. Just when you think things are seeming a bit better, you get hit again..
Nothing will ever bring him back but when I see glimpses of who he was, it is wonderful and
terrible all at the same time. We brought him to Donnas last night and he rode in the backseat, Tyler had a pair of gloves back there and Pops put one on. He looked like MIchael Jackson! I wasn't going to tell him to take it off since he gets cranky. It was pretty funny! We must keep our sense of humor!
Total family weekend ahead.. Good and bad there as well. I wish I could just be happy with my family and not feel the need to complain about them, but that is just not the way it is. oh well. I am sure all families are like this. Some much worse. We just shove things under the rug and pretend they didn't or aren't happening. Some families yell and scream and have blow outs and never talk again. hmmm wonder which is worse.