I was going to write about
my daughter today but
realized that I just wrote
about my kids the other day!
Leah is so amazing though.
She spend 2 hours with Papa
yesterday afternoon. She
finds it rewarding and also
loves him so much.
I am so very proud of
her for doing this.
I have been able to stay
away for 2 days now.
I will most likely go
today but not entirely
sure.
We invited my mom
over for dinner. She is
going to St. Louis for
a week. She said she
is too busy. That is fine.
She is finding things to do on
her own and it makes
me soo happy.
You cannot rely on your
kids for friendship or
happiness. This much
I have learned.
I try very hard to
have patience with her
but it is hard.

i miss my daddy

i am so very proud of
both of my kids and the
way they handle this
horrible situation that
life has dealt us.
they both just do it...
like me....
leah is a true caregiver
tyler is scared
it makes me very sad
to see the look on his
face when he is with papa.
he is scared of him.
they were best buds.
i think it is harder on him
than her.
or she knows how to deal
with it better than he does.
but i am just so
very proud of both of
them for stepping up
without me every asking.
the just do it.

they miss their papa
i miss my daddy

Christmas came and went
without MUCH drama!
Christmas Eve started with
a phone call from the ER saying
they had Pops and that he
was found un-responsive.
Yeah, wrong guy......
It was his roommate, Pete
that they found un-responsive.
The emotions we felt that day
were just insane. It was
the worst feeling you could
imagine. The call you never
want to get. Then it turns out
to be an error.??? Could've been a
life threatening error. I was
super pissed, but what
do you do???? The home
apologized, what more
can they do? I felt horrible
for George, the night aide who
made the error. This was
a big error to make.....

We brought Pops to Tom's for
xmas-eve, it went ok. It was
very trying for everyone.
Especially those who have
not dealt with the
situation.......not sure what
they thought he'd be like
but it was a rude awakening.
I believe Papa enjoyed himself
for the most part. He has no
clue though....doesn't know
who anyone is.. not my mom or me
or my kids or anyone.....
no idea.

i miss my daddy

tyler says i should start blogging daily. to keep a record/journal of all that we are going through and dealing with. it is hard for me to over-saturate myself with the situation so i tend not to write very often. i will make every attempt to start doing so though. i think he is right. it will be nice to be able to look back at and also the good times should be recorded and remembered!

the days sort of seem
to blend together.
each one really much
like the one before.
i attempt to give him
some sort of joy.
i attempt to give him
a sence of importance.
part of me really
sees him sometime.
i see that he is in there.
he is sad.
i can see it.
he has no way to
express himself.
it is probably the
singlemost sad
thing i've gone through
in my life.
i find myself feeling
jealous when i see
an old man who is
tip top shape.
it brings the whole
"it's not fair"
thing back in my mind.
i feel glad that i am
able to deal with it
as best i can.
it is not fun, it is depressing
but you
have to deal.
for me,
i have no choice.
i would be doing the
same for my mother.
it is what you do.
honor
thy
father
and
mother.

i miss my daddy

smiles :-)

Today we had a care conference
with all the powers that be.........
I thought it went well.
They were very concerned
and also appreciated all of
the things we brought up.
Not sure what will happen,
if anything
but things needed to be said.
I am sure I talked the most
but then again, I know the most.
After the meeting we went to see
Pops.
He was in his room, sitting in
his chair listening to music.
HAPPY!
He was smiling like crazy

when we came in the door.
He was overjoyed and
THRILLED
that we were there.
That made me feel sooooooooo
GREAT!
The smile stayed on his face.
He was in a very good mood.
I'm so glad of that.
I had to leave right away to
get back to work.
Donna and Annie stayed I hope for awhile.
These are the moments
I live for...
The moments I treasure
and
The moments that
I hope come more
often..............................
i miss my daddy

Again, I have let time go by
and not updated my blog.
Kind of on purpose.
Nothing really good to say
Except that Mary was
here.
We had an awesome time
and I enjoyed her
company, input and help
in dealing with this situation.
Somedays I feel so alone.
I know I am not.
But....no one seems
to get it or to care as much
as i do.
Mary got it and Mary cared.
I am struggling with
guilt
almost daily.
I feel so bad that he has
to be in that place.
It just does not seem fair.
To live your life, earn a living,
raise a family, retire, travel
and then end up here.
UNFAIR.
i missy my daddy