Hospice

Pops has been on hospice since October.  He lost over 60 lbs. from January to October.
Yesterday 3/1 he weighed in at a whopping 122.8.. down another 4.8 from Feb. 1.
I feel like the end is coming.
It's hard to say when but we all know the final outcome of this situation.
It will only end one way.
I miss him so much already...
But I am going to miss him so much when he is gone too..
It's just a sucky situation all around.
i miss my daddy

Oh, Alzheimer's Disease how I loathe you

Oh, Alzheimer's Disease how I loathe you.

Why does this disease have to happen to my family?
Why my poor father?
Could it hurt anymore?
Started out bad, proceeds to get worse.
No end in sight.
Brings sadness to a new level.
Don't want to deal, but must.
Reality.
The Long Goodbye.
Multiple goodbyes.
Feels like never ending goodbyes.
Miss him more than I can express.
Feel so sad for him and what he has become.
Wish I could turn back time.
Will it ever end.......
It has to......
But seems to go on and on...
Love him so much.
Wish the good Lord would call him home.
Sad but true.

Oh, Alzheimer's Disease how I loathe you.

i miss my daddy

Pops and his dogs :)

My dad LOVED/S dogs.  It's a fact.  Ever since I was a little girl I have known that my dad loved dogs.  Unfortunately we never had a dog because my mom wouldn't let us.  My dad found dogs to love along the way.  His favorite was my kids childhood dog, Josie.  He always took over as her caretaker when we went to the cabin or when he  came to our house.  At the cabin he would let her out every morning and make sure she had food and water. He loved taking her out in the boat and then letting her jump off the front the boat and swim to shore!  They had a bond unlike many dog/dog owners I've seen.  The last walk he took Josie on took them on a real adventure.  It started just like any other walk, he got the leash and off they went.  He had done it 100's of times over the 15 years that we had lived in our house.  This time was different though.  He didn't come back.  We started a search and after a couple hours, finally got a call from Pilgrim Cleaners across town.  My dad and my dog were there.  He was lost.  He didn't know how to get home.  It was one of the saddest moments we had witnessed.  The lady at the cleaners found the dogs tag which had my cell number on it and called.  Thanks goodness for good people in the world.  It was a very sad realization that day.  I'm glad Josie was there with Pops to help him out.  Josie had to be put down 5 years ago, just after her 16th birthday.  We miss that dog like crazy.  


This is a picture taken last week with Leah's new dog, Monte.  Who has an uncanny resemblance to our beloved Josie.  Pops LOVES this dog too.  It is amazing to me what a dog can do to a person with Alzheimer's.  Pet therapy....it really works!

MONTE~!

i miss my daddy

Kiss

I have been terrible at updating this.
The only reason being, I'm sick of this situation.
I need to get my positive attitude back and
just start dealing with it again.
I just feel so alone. 
Which really in the scheme of things,
does not matter.
I do what I do for myself and my dad.
And my mom.
I don't do it for anyone else. 
I just feel alone in that no one really 
gets it.
With the exception of my kids.
Leah and Tyler.
Who knew that two kids could
bring so much love and joy to my life!?
I mean, I guess as a parent you 
should know that. 
I guess I just never thought about
having adult kids and how great
they would be!
Love them more than anything 
in this world. 
They are the best kids ever.


Pops continues to hold his own.
He kissed my cheek last night.  
That was the only interaction I got.
It was enough.
The words are few and far between now.
It's super sad.
His body is week, his mind is gone.
But.........
He kissed me on the cheek last night.
And that was enough 
xxoo


i miss my daddy

Well, way too long again.
I wanted to post immediately
after the Alzheimer's walk.
I think it is a good thing I didn't.
I was so upset and angry about
so many aspects of what went on
that day that I decided against
venting. The good from that day:
We all went over to Pop's place
and had a pizza party....
just like last year.
It was a bit different this year
as he is in a wheelchair now,
full-time.
Pretty sure most of the family
had no idea about this.
He also doesn't speak now.
Pretty sure most of the family
had no idea about this either.
He did however speak some very
strong words that Saturday afternoon.
He opened his mouth, pointed and said,
"The sons are here, the sons are here"
AMAZING!!!!!
He hasn't spoken in a month at least...
He opens his mouth when the whole family
is there and this is what comes out??
I couldn't believe it.
Another sign that our father is in there.
Despite what anyone thinks....
He's in there........
You would think that these words
would have made some of the "sons"
want to come and visit him more..
The fact that he recognizes them...
Ah, no.
None have been back......
Well, except for Thomas..
He is good for a visit once a month
or so...
better than the rest....
I try to let the anger go.
It hurts me too bad.
I just love my dad so much and
wish that the others would step up.
It wears on me...no one seems to see that.
The all just think of themselves and
how this disease affects them....
What about Pop's??? I wonder if anyone
thinks about how he feels...
I see it often...It's reassuring
and heartbreaking all at the same time.

i miss my daddy

A big weekend!

This weekend is the big
Walk to end Alzheimer's.
We should have about 20
people walking with us and
we have raised just under
$4,000!!
We are very excited about this.
When you have a family member
that has Alzheimer's, you mostly
feel useless and helpless.
By doing this walk and earning
money, it is a way to do good and
to give something back.
I have utilized the services of
the Alzheimer's Association
several times and it is truly
a great organization that helps
people/caregivers in their time of need.
I still feel bad about most of my
family members and their lack
of interest in helping us.
But I am learning to let go of 
all of the anger that has built up.
Which is huge!
I'm realizing there is nothing to
be angry about.
This is on their shoulders, not mine.
I do all I can do.
I also come to realize that I don't
think it's that they don't "want"
to help.  It's more that they
don't know "how" to help.  
And also that they are scared.
They hate the thought of Pops
with this disease and they just
don't know how to deal.
Someone once said to me, 
"Katie, you are the chosen one"
I've had to think about this alot
but I think I get it now.
I'm the one chosen to be able
to deal with it.
I'm the one chosen to able 
to handle it.
I'm the one chosen to stay
close to my dad.
I'm the one chosen to be able
to make decisons regarding
his cares and his life.
I'm glad I'm the chosen one.
I can't imagine having it any
other way.

i miss my daddy

Two months???

It's been two months since
I posted???
What the heck.
Time sure does fly.
The summer absolutly flew
by.  Just in the blink of an eye.
Things are very stable with Pops.
Last night was a wonderful
visit for Leah and I.
I was so happy to see Pops
smile and enjoy himself.
I know he's in there and I
know he knows who we are.
I don't care what anyone else
says about it.  I don't think anyone
else spends enough time with him
to witness it, but when you are there
for hours like us, you will see it.
It's in his eyes.  He stares at us.
Deep stares, deep into our souls.
Sometimes eery.  Mostly happy though.
He reaches for my hand and wants to hold it.
He watches my every move and keeps his eye on me.
When i sing to him he laughs!
He brings me so much joy.  I mean don't get
me wrong, I want my dad back bad.
But ya know, I will take what we got last
night and love it.  Considering this disease
and what it does to people.........
I'll take it :)

i miss my daddy